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letters
FROM READERS - AUGUST '00

Thanks!

You have a wonderful website. I THANK you from the bottom of my heart for developing it. Even though most of it is common sense there were a few things that even I need to remember when dating from the internet


A Man's Story

After seeing your website, I thought I should tell my story. Maybe it might help someone!

In Fall of 1998 my marriage after 10 years was having a few problems After moving from California to Oregon a year earlier. Well I had been making friend on he Net in my spare time. I ran into woman who had two kids and was divorced. We talked a few weeks and decided maybe we could meet ? I was surprised at first that a woman with two kids would fly From Canada 4,000 miles away and see a stranger.

Thinking I must be a pretty special person to have someone Travel that distance I did the wrong thing and agreed to meet them a month later. Now call me stupid I didnít even think about checking out any of her information. In fact the A copy of her flight info . Said Penny , but for two months she said it was Peggy. And I was too wrapped up to even notice it ! Well we met, and long story short said everything you would want to hear. Infact said her job was high up in the Canadian Government. Come to find out later she was a social worker making less that I did ! Of coarse all this I didnít know until after we met!

During all this I wasnít aware that she had attached her self to me even over this distance. She began making idle threats in a very nice and almost what I thought humourous way. But they werenít to her. I thought we were good friends, and we just hanging out. I didnít tell my wife because I wasnít sure what direction my wife and I were going. But Peggy ( Penny ) didnít give the impression anything was wrong. Our visit went well .

A month later she asked me to visit NorthBay Ontario. ( Canada). I had never been and seeking refuse to relax I came. This visit was very different. I arrived there to find I wasnít allowed to go out side or walk anywhere in town. We took a 10 minute ride to a store to rent a video and we were back in two minutes. I was able to take a walk outside at 10pm for 20 minutes . Now remember I am in a strange country and no idea in what I would do if I left. It was ≠20 outside and snow 5ft deep except the roads. I was in that house 1 weeks and was allowed outside 35 minutes total.

When I finally was abrubt and said I cant stay in here.,she threatened to call my Wife and say all sort of lies. She also stuck me across the face. Now I am 6í3 and 230 not a small person she was 5í4 and 125 But had created a situation where I was trapped. At Th. end of the week I left and flew 4,000 miles back home. Thinking I am so far away I can leave it and be safe. No such luck with in a week I had police at my door saying she claimed I threatened her life. She had stolen some articles and was sending them back slowly hoping my wife would open them.

I received calls at 3am in the morning, and at my office. When I tried to do anything being it was out of the country and no more than harassment Had occurred according to them. Anything else I couldnít prove. This continued for near a year. I came to find out 3 other guys had the same fate earlier the year before from here. My wife and I eventually divorced from the pressure, but a year later in 1/1/2000 my wife and I managed to start over. After it stopped. I haven't heard a word from Peggy ( Penny) in 8 months I think she moved on, but probably to some poor other guy. It ended up costing in loans I gave to her several thousand dollars I will never see. I was stupid but since learned a vey good lesson and have tried and succeed in helping a few people avoid a similar fate . Plus the embarrassment of being intimidated at my size. I am sure many guys would say that I was a wimp, But when your 4,000 miles from home and in the snow Itís easy to have someone set you up as a prisoner! And I was . I am just lucky she never made true with her Threats to hurt me or my family. Thanks for letting me tell my story in short!

Wild's Reply - What an incredibly bizarre story! How did you manage to have this woman come and visit you, and you go and visit her without your wife finding anything out? If you were separated, why did this woman have your wife's address? I dunno, dude - non-sequitur ya know?


Liar, liar!

Just after parting with my wife of 13 years I turned to internet chatting in desperation. I found it empowering to seduce women on line especially after having been emasculated during this tramatic breakup.

After some time I met a couple of women that I was in regular contact with. This one particular woman, who said she was a language teacher, and I seemed to hit it off. We met on icq after I did a search in the white pages.

Soon after contacting her we were e-mailing the day away. I think she called me within the first week of talking on line. She had a most seductive voice. She said she was living in Quebec and I was living in Toronto. So, after the second week I suggested coming to Quebec to meet her or that she could come to Toronto. Well before the week was out she called me in tears saying that her employer, who she claimed was Nortel, wanted her to take a trip to Haiti for two weeks. So, we wouldn't be able to meet until she got back. However, after some wheeling and dealing she called me to tell me that she'd be able to come to Toronto the night before she had to leave and would leave the next day and that we would have one night together.

Of course I got my place perfect. Flowers, her favourite foods, the whole bit. I waited here that night and she never showed up. She never called. In the morning I got a call from her and she claimed to be in Montreal airport. She was hysterical. Totally in tears. Unconsolable. She said that she couldn't have come because if she did she never would have been able to leave and she was loyal to Nortel. She had a contract with them. I was flattered by the excuse, of course, though hurt. So then she purportedly went to Haiti on this business trip for two weeks.

During this two week period she called me during the morning, sometimes very early like 4am, and we talked via e-mail during most days while she said she was in the field. On the second week of the trip she said that she was making a treck up the mountain to a really poor villiage to bring things she was donating to the villiagers. She made the treck with a fellow concerned soul. I didn't have much contact with her during these two days. She always had this very crackly cell phone and she did manage to call me on this thing from the camp.

The second day she said was very difficult traveling because the rains had come and the rivers had swollen, etc. Eventually the day came when we were to meet finally. She was to fly into Toronto airport. I got my place ready again, and bought wonderful flowers, etc. I had a friend drive me to the airport. I had a cell phone with me all day and the calls started earlier in the day and it was her supposedly calling from Haiti on this crackling cell phone. The phone was clearly not working right. I spent many hours in the airport waiting for her, but, of course, she never showed.

I got home and went on line. But this time she had put me in touch with a niece of hers K. So, K was on line. She was supposed to be living in New Brunswick and claimed that my lover had passed through there on her way to the east coast, and that she was very distressed, etc. She told me that the only way that we would probably be able to meet is if we made a plan to surprise her and that was what we agreed to do. In time A settled down and we got back to talking as usual.

She then claimed to be back on her way to Quebec and would be driving to meet me. She got caught in a snow storm there in the East on her drive westward. So, the whole trip got delayed. I remember she stopped back in New Brunswick and K icq-ed with me to tell me that she was asleep there and so so in love with me. Well I was getting impatient with this long trip back to Quebec and so I started talking to K about suprising her there. I was sending so many e-mails that I accidently sent an e-mail intended for K to A. She paniced and said that I was betraying her.

I think that it was around this time that I started to ask her if she had ever been hurt by anyone, since it was clear that she was having a problem meeting. She eventually confessed that she had been sexually abused as a child by her grandfather for 10 years. This started a new chapter in the story. She had apparently stopped eating and was in quite a bit of distress about not being able to come to see me even though she so wanted to. So, eventually she went to her doctor, who she claimed to be a good friend of hers. His name was D. He was to take her to a hospital in Halifax for some intensive treatment and we weren't to be in contact during this time. I sent her packages and flowers, etc and we didn't speak for some time. However, during this time she put me in touch with another cousin of hers D. So, I was getting regular updates about her condition. She was apparently in a sedated state much of the time and had my pictures by her and my old e-mails, etc. Eventually I became suspicious about the level of sedation and the fact that the doctor was a friend and she'd been sexually abused. So, I had a bioethics friend look into it. She thought the situation was totally unacceptable. So, through the cousin I succeeded in having her discharged from the place.

The sexual abuse became an excuse for why she couldn't call me after dark or in the evenings, though she could talk to me on icq no problem. There were a couple of other attempts to get together, but the sexual abuse always came up as an excuse. My friends were all telling me to get out of the situation, but I was too deeply involved and too vulnerable from my breakup to think straight. I wanted to believe in this. She was quite beautiful and seemed to adore me so much. We exchanged tons of pictures and eventually she even sent me two video tapes of herself in which she appeared nude.

She wouldn't let me send things to her home address or her work address. I was always to send things through her cousin. I was also not permitted to talk to her relatives on the phone. Eventually I did break that policy and called D at work. A woman with a french accent spoke to me for quite a while. I didn't call back after that time though. Again all of the reasons given related to being sexually abused. So, after nearly 7 months of doing this I finally put my foot down and said that we either meet or it's off. When I started putting the pressure on her she suddenly got a lot sicker and claimed to need more intensive therapy. She was admitted to a mental institution and was being cared by numerous therapists around the clock there. She bought herself another weak hiatus by doing that. Eventually the day was coming closer again. We were supposed to spend a Friday and Saturday together. The cousins were supposed to arrange all of it, because A was in too delicate a situation to deal with these matters.

She put me in touch with another cousin via e-mail, let's call her L. Anyhow, everything was taken care of except the small matter of the airline ticket. So, I talked to the cousins about it. However, D made a big mistake. She e-mailed A to ask if she could get more time to spend with me away from the institution. However, she sent the message and accidently appended our discussion in which I claimed to be furious that I had to buy the airline ticket when she had promised to arrange everything. This incident paralleled an earlier one in which the same cousin left a history file on icq for A to read and she had taken off that time to camp for a week in the bush. So, A sent a message saying that she couldn't talk to us for a while. We had betrayed her trust, etc. The next thing I heard was that she was being sedated and was in a tramatic state.

The next day her cousin visited her on her way out of town and she said that she was in a zombie state and wasn't responding to anything or anyone. She said that at one point she said my name and that she turned to look toward me and then looked away again into space. The next day, I think it was, her other cousin L took time off work to be by her side. She said that a team of therapists was trying to work on her to see what the problem was. Eventually her brother arrived and was very upset. He also spoke to me on e-mail. They were all very sad. The therapists were puzzled. they wanted to bring her in for a cat scan to make sure it wasn't a stoke. They were to follow the ambulance to the hospital, etc. So, I was to wait for reports later. Of course I had offered numerous times to simply just show up there, but they said they would have to check with the therapists to see if that was a good idea.

Well I was in a terrible state pacing waiting for any word from the hospital. I waited from about 2 until 6:30 by the computer for any word. Earlier in the week there had been a strange incident. A call came in on my Internet Call Display that gave the last name of K. However, the first name was unexpected. The call disconnected before I could answer it. Right after that call a call came in that had the number blocked. It was her calling from the hospital. I enquired about this number. Whose number was it and why were they calling. They claimed that it was the cousin D's number and that she had been trying a conference call because it was difficult to make long distance calls from the hospital. I had my suspicions about that call but accepted the explanation. I was reminded not to call family under any circumstance.

Well I was desperate that afternoon to hear any word from her. So, I did something very smart for the first time in 7 months. I phoned that number. A woman answered and I asked for one of the cousins. She said she didn't know who that was. So, I asked for the niece K. She said that she was K. I said "oh well I talked to you on the internet today". She said she had never spoken to me in her life. Well we went through the whole story together comparing notes. As it turned out the woman that I had been involved with was her mother. She was married with 3 children. We figured out that she was all 4 characters. That is, she had set up different accounts and impersonated these different characters in a very convincing manner. She worked as an investor and not a teacher/translator. Almost everything she told me about her movements during the 7 months was fabricated. The detail and intricacy of this fabrication was truly creative.

I spoke to her daugher for 2 hours. She also checked her computer hard drive for pictures she'd sent me, just to confirm. Apparently her and her husband were out playing gulf while I was at home worried for her life. I told the daugher not to say anything to her mother and that I would call later that night. Well at 12 am her time I woke her from bed. It was her alright. I told her that she had recovered very well from her coma earlier in the day. She asked me who this was and tried to disguise her voice in a lame effort to have the thing continue. Eventually she hung up. That night she called me back at 4am and confessed much of what she had been up to. She claimed that she was mentally ill and suffered from multiple personality disorder. She continued with the lies and manipulation, however, even after I caught her. She tried to convince me that her husband was violent and would kill me if she didn't protect my identity.

So, I simply called the daughter to confirm that this was another lie. As it stands right now I have forbidden her to contact me in any way. She was obviously a very disturbed person: a pathological liar. She wasted so much of my time and energy. I feel like a total fool. But I'm so glad it's over. I know that she needs help and I called the daughter to tell her that her mother was mentally ill and needed her to help her. I hope she gets the help she needs. I certainly learned the hard way that internet relationships are no joke and that it's easy to get conned or fooled by mentally unwell people. Of course, there are lots of red flags in this story, but I didn't want to see them.

Wild's Reply - A lot of red flags?? I'm not sure where I stopped counting but Geez Louise!! I've heard this story before, only the woman was in Florida, but it's in the 2000 updates somewhere I believe. So, let me offer everyone this little bit of heartsaving advice k? Folks, learn how to read email headers. Pretty much every anonymous email service, like Hotmail, Yahoo, etc., only relays mail through your own isp. While you think it's totally anonymous, a check of the email headers will reveal the real originator's ip address. If you ever think anything is suspicious, or start talking to the relatives of your net lover - and why on earth nobody seems to think that in and of itself is bizarre I'll never know - compare the email headers from the "relatives" to your net lover. Surprise! Same number huh? Before you invest in expensive flowers, airline tickets and long distance phone calls, make a much smaller investment in a background check. I know, I know, it seems to smarmy and backhanded to do that behind someone's back. So, why do it behind their back? Tell them that you've already been bitten online, so before you invest your emotions or your money, you intend to conduct a background check. If they're legit, they'll understand. If they're not, they'll scream at you for your distrust and betrayal, and run like scared dogs into the night. Take it as a blessing and move on! If you need to know how to read email headers, each program is different. Go Here to find out how to do it in your program.


Internet Adultery

Just wanted to say that I admire your efforts in presenting this site and think it should be read by all who use the Internet and chat rooms.

I will spare you the horror story, but sufficed to say, I caught my wife starting an affair over ICQ about a month after she downloaded it. I caught her just in time to find out that she was giving out directions to our house to some "man" (you never can tell) to show up while I was at work. This is scary considering we have four kids. I filed for divorce a week later and I have the kids. My advice to all who are being cheated on via the Internet - help that cheater pack their bags, show them to the door, and then as hard as you can...KICK THEM OUT!!!!! Who needs to live with trash?

Wild's Reply - Did anybody catch the recent news reports about the extremely high percentage of people using the internet for sex who will contract STDs? If that didn't scare the crabs outta people looking for a quick nooner from strangers on the net, I don't know what will!


PAGE TWO OF AUGUST '00 LETTERS

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