The Real Story
STORIES OF BETRAYAL
Updated November 24, 1998
break

November 24, 1998 - two weeks ago my then fiance told me he had met someone on the internet & was planning to visit them! how do you deal with something like this? i moved 40 miles to be closer to him and when things weren't going picture perfect instead of talking about it he went on the internet met a girl and "recently developed feelings for her" but he says he still loves me. i am totally confused and believe it or not now on anti-depressants. not only am i losing him but his whole family. i don't know if i will ever find it in my heart to trust again.


October 1, 1998 - Dear WildxAngel, I am one of those women whose husband got lost somewhere on the Net.As soon as we went online,he became obsessed with the porn sites.We found a very nice chat room, and within a couple of weeks he was engaged in an online affair that progressed to the point of them planning a meeting. In no time he discovered ICQ and began a series of random cyber-sex encounters.I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, to no avail. He just got better at lying and hiding his tracks. We are now seperated. There were problems in the marriage before this, but this was the final blow. He refuses to acknowlege the seriousness of online affairs, and I can't even be angry with the women involved, as I know for a fact he was lying to them as well. I have little to no hope for the relaitionship, but do need some advice on how to cope. I have nowhere to focus my frustration and anger! I also want to add my warnings to those women who are truly only looking for a pleasant flirtation, or a serious match. PLEASE be careful....don't believe everything you hear,and take it slow. There may be a woman and children in that man's life.Use caution to protect them, as well as yourself. Thank you. LadyOwl

Wild's Reply - These stories are becoming more and more frequent - and still so few resources. Net Addiction has some wonderful resources for exactly these types of situations, and now offers online counselling which should be very helpful. Please Click Here for more information about Dr. Kimberly Young's Virtual Clinic for Internet Adultery and Recovery.

September 07, 1998 - Dear Wild. I hope this dont sound too strange to you, but a lady that submitted her story and told my husband about this site encouraged me to read some of the stories and I want to say thank you so much.. I had for some time watched my husband become involved so to speak with a lady on the internet. For several months I knew something was not right. I told him that he needed to watch her because what she said and the pics that she sent wasnt a up front person. He wouldnt believe me and kept talking to her, and eventually I ended up talking to her, and that was a mistake. Now Im looking into getting a divorce because of my husband's "Online affair" and I must tell you that it really hurts. When I first started talking on ICQ I only wanted to make friends, and I was always open and honest to the ones that I talked too, I never went for any of that cyber sex, but my husband did. And it hurt me tremendously and he didnt care..He accused me of being jealous and losing it with reality. And he even told his friends "ladies" I should say that I was having a nervous breakdown, and that I needed to see a shrink. For several days I have searched the web for information on husbands like mine and yours has come to it very much. I just want to say thanks for allowing me to get this off of my chest. I wish that I could talk more, but Im afraid that I have took up to much of your time as it is..

But once again thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wild's Reply - Your husband, with all due respect, doesn't sound like the brightest bulb in the chandelier ya know what I mean? You're supposed to tell people you're having a nervous breakdown? Wow! Wouldn't it be great if we could just know when that was happening? We could ward off all that humiliating public stuff and just quietly go off for some inpatient stuff! Seriously though, if you are trying to deal with undue stress, it's no thanks to your husband and his blatant affairs that he sees fit to carry on right under your nose. For your part, you talk to them as well. You are his enabler.

My best advice to you would be to get in touch with the attorney in that Internet Adultery article Here - and see what you can do. If there is no chance that your husband will realize that the real life person who is his wife is more familiar, loving and intimate with him than some cyber-sweetie ever could be, then yeah, you're probably going to end up splitting up. What has happened is a net addiction. I still don't understand this phenomenon, I don't pretend to. But it is happening more frequently. I hope that things will work out, but all I can say is stop talking to his girlfriends, ignore them completely. Don't enable him to continue hurting you by talking to his women.

August 10, 1998 - Hi. I would like to exchange a story for a bit of advise.

I met a girl on the net, we got all quite well..well, very well..she lived in NY. i lived in Canada. Online,we would spend hours talking..on the phone too..you know how it goes...we sent cards,etc..now, one thing she told me about her was her general lack of affection when it came to face-to-face conversations. This part i had no prob. You see, as a child she had been molested by several people. She had also been physically hurt by them. I understood this and accepted it as i did.

So.,..the day came when me met. It clicked right away...i mean, it was right. But i guess i wanted more out of her in person..the general affection part. Anyways, things changed after i left. I stayed a week. I noticed she was colder..distant...i could feel it in her letters. Finally, i asked her what was going on. Apparently, she felt that she was losing her space..her self..her independancy..so we stopped the plan of me going there to stay with her. Now, as i write this, i am trying, for the third time, to break all connections. She wants to remain friends..but i dont want to here her talk about any guys,etc..even though..and i trust her on this..she will remain alone for a long time..but there is residue from our love we once shared that kills our friendship. Still i worry about her. I should also mention that she was, until i got there, a virgin..

Does this sound right too you..leaving her? its hard..but in time it will heal..

Wild's Reply - This is hard...

It seems there is much she didn't tell you from the outset of your online relationship - most importantly, her obvious history of sabotaging herself with relationships. It's obvious she wants a relationship, but considers herself unworthy of the love and attention you lavish upon her. Low self esteem.

She seems to have difficulty telling you up front that she isn't capable of sustaining a relationship, or of doing the necessary work with herself to develop the skills to maintain a relationship. So she tells you she isn't good at personal, physical interaction. That's fair but it's truly very shy of the truth.

At this point, the more you push, the more she will push you away - though it's not really want she wants. She just doesn't know how to deal with the invasiveness of relationships, the information sharing, the trust. Trust seems to be very difficult for her, and rather than attempt it, she merely pushes you away. It's easier, it's convenient, it's less painful than losing something she truly wanted and almost got.

You have a few options. You can move on. You can realize that she may never develop the skills to sustain a relationship and that any relationship you did have with her would be strained at best, difficult always and confusing and emotionally challening and painful to you. You can give it a go, as long as you go in with eyes open, you can confront her with what you know about her, assure her that no matter what it takes, you will be there for her, to help her get to a point of self-awareness where trust between the two of you is possible, thereby breaking down her self-constructed barriers. That's a huge committment from you - if you are prepared to offer such a committment, you had better be absolutely sure you will be able to back it up. Relationships like this are extremely hard. They require a tremendous amount of investment from you with an expectation of minimal but more than likely dismal return at the outset. Long term, there is likely the possibility of return on your investment, but it's improbable you'd be able to stick it out for the long run unless you are one amazing individual who has that much love and devotion.

You can do nothing - continue as a friend and allow her the time and space to develop trust. Yes, it may be painful, listening to her bounce potential new beaus off of you. You have the peace of mind of knowing that what happened to you will happen to them, but if you stick it out long enough, will she come back to you? Losing her virginity to you apparently meant nothing to her. She may be simply unable to make the connection between love and sex - rather separating them as completely different issues, or it meant a lot to her but she hesitates to share even the most intimate feelings at that level as sharing anything is perceived by her as being dangerous. It's safer to simply reside within herself, leaving her very strong walls and barriers intact.

By your own admission, you aren't interested in remaining friends. If you can't remain as a friend, what assurance does she have that as a lover, you would be there for her? If you want her badly enough, you will take her at her terms.. for now. If not, then you will have to move on. Time does heal - and once you've evaluated this situation, and appreciate that it wasn't you - not in this situation, you can move on to a more healthy, less co-dependent relationship with another woman who has less emotional baggage and more outward affection and feelings to offer you. You must ask yourself what it is you want, how much you are willing to give to get it and how long you will wait for what it is you want.

I strongly encourage you to read Ask Yourself This... - it's a reality check written by a man who offers incredible insight in a situation where he was faced with trying to win back someone he dearly loved who went away, or moving on. What he did to come to those conclusions and ultimately make the best possible decision for himself. I hope I've helped, Wild

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