Experience

Net Adultery

I guess everyone says the proverbial "I didn't think it could happen to me." I did that as well.

For the last couple of months I noticed my girlfriend was becoming distant and seemed to push me away. I kept asking her what was wrong, and she would say "Nothing, I just need my independence, but when I'm ready to have a relationship it will be with you". For three years I stood by her and supported her, and TRUSTED her.

Five weeks ago we had a fight over something stupid, I dont even remember what now, but in the course of the argument I asked her to be honest and tell if there was someone else. She said yes, she was interested in some guy she had met thru a "business opportunity" on the internet. They had been e-mailing one another for approximately two months when she finally was "honest" with me. He started calling her two weeks before our fight and claims he is madly in love with her. This is what this guy has told her.

First of all he is her dads age (around 60). He says he has a $500,000 home, is a divorced stay at home dad who runs two home-based businesses and is supposedly "set for life". He wants her to give up her job, home, and move herself and her three boys to where he lives. He already calls them "our boys". Now for the part that really worries me. She has already sold her stock in a company she worked for and he wants her to "become one of his business partners."

He took her away for the weekend recently (after only talking to her for a couple of weeks) and wined and dined her (incidentally he drove a rental car not his own, he said his "daughter needed his car that weekend", he also says his family doesn't know why he went out of town, he told them it was business.)

I have loyal friends, who are as worried as I am about this that is why I know so many details. Does this sound familiar, or am I and mutual friends simply overreacting. By the way we all live in a southern state and I was wondering if this sounds "eerily familiar" to anyone else. Please note all efforts to find anything out about this guy have failed. We do know his name and multiple e-mail address, and he uses an unlisted phone number as his "business number". That was something else that worried me and friends, if you are in a customer oriented business, why use an unlisted number.

Hackers online

Thank you for the excellent advice on this site! I thought I would share this story with you.

I introduced a friend of mine to ICQ as she was feeling pretty lonely. She was an older woman and not too up on the risks of cyber space. She was chatting with a guy and he sent her a photo of himself. What she did not realise was that attached to the photo file was a program that allowed him to hack into her computer. From then he commenced a reign of terror.

Whenever she went online he 'saw' her and would cause obscene messages to scroll accross her computer screen. He would send her abusive messages that came up on her screen and prevent her from trying to delete him from her contact list or block him. He would open and shut the CD draw and crash her computer. Thank God her computer was new and she did not have any personal info on it as he would have had access to it all.

It only lasted a week until we were able to get the software to find and remove the virus from the computer. The lesson: have up to date virus detecting software on your computer and always scan files sent to you. Save yourself from this kind of home invasion.

True Love Gone Bad

I met Paul in a chat room. I’d had a number of on-line romances, but nothing ever like him. We soon began talking several times a day, and after two months, in April, he convinced me to fly to Minneapolis to visit he and his daughter.

We had so many similar dreams and plans. We had a wonderful time; things fell into such a routine it felt like we’d been a family forever. He was so in love he’d tell me, never felt this way. When I couldn’t call or talk to him on line quickly enough, he grew deeply depressed. Once even told me that he’s rather end his life if he couldn’t have me. Both he and his daughter have had very difficult issues to contend with in life. I chalked up a lot of the moodiness to that.

Paul couldn’t stand me going back home. He decided that he wanted a new life for he and his daughter, and he wanted to build a life with me, so they would move to PA by the fall. No problem I thought. Four months to get to know one another better, and to help him find a job here and a place to live.

Within days of my return home, the move was pushed up to the end of June. Then, suddenly one afternoon, he tells me that he can get his daughter out of school mid-May and they would be there by the 15th. I had less than 2 weeks to find a place for them to live! FIRST ALARM went off, but I just pushed it aside as nervous excitement of him being really here. I had to loan him the money to move, as he was obviously not prepared to rent the truck and travel expenses. I swore to myself I’d only help get them set up in a place and then they were on their own when it came to finances.

But, there was always something else that came up, something else I had to take care of for them. To his credit, within a week and a half of being here, he did find a job. But he was badly injured within his first week working, and spent all of June and July sitting at home either in front of the computer screen or the TV. He grew more and more within himself. During this time, I, of course, took care of paying for the apartment, all the bills and daily expenses. I grew weary of having a needy 14 year-old used to getting everything she pointed to in stores. SECOND ALARM, but again, pushed it off.

In early June Paul found out his ex-wife was attempting to press charges against him for kidnapping, because he did not notify anyone he’d left the state with his daughter. When we’d first discussed moving, I had asked him if he had custody issues in order, and he assured me he did. Another worry added to his not getting a paycheck because his workers comp claim had been denied, and his injury would be somewhat permanent with an unclear picture for the future. Deeper the depression grew, and he pulled away form not only me but his daughter as well. Early in July he confessed a lot of fears to me about the future because of all the legal issues hanging over his head. Fears about an income, taking care of his daughter and how horrible he felt taking my money to live on. I kept reassuring him I was doing what I felt was best. But anytime money was discussed, and I would hit at the fact something could not be afforded, he grew angry and shut down. Third Alarm.

In August he needed to go back to Minnesota for a custody issue, so I paid for a plane ticket and his hotel and rental car plus cash for expenses. Never did he say thank you for what I did. THIRD ALARM, and I was growing less and less patient with both he and his daughter being lazy and disrespectful. When he returned he found out he had no choice but to return to work on light duty, or his WC case would be totally denied. He did so, but with great reluctance. As soon as he started back, I began letting him know that I could no longer pay all the bills and he had to do something. All he could say was his daughter needed school clothes. $300 later that was accomplished and he were still moaning about going back to work. Fourth Alarm.

September was the worst. By then, he had begun working long hours, mostly nighttimes due to the nature of the business he worked for. His daughter grew more and more moody, feeling neglected by her father and lashing out at me. She too had an addiction to the Internet, and a need to get herself into lies and problems with on-line “families”. For months I’d gently tell her father what she was up to, but when she denied it, I was the liar and troublemaker. The child had a chores list that went totally ignored, but still the hand was out for weekly allowance. By mid-September she totally went out of control. She was very angry with her father, and one night sat in a totally black mood. She cried and yelled about things, talking herself in circles. Claimed he’d broken every promise he ever made to her, and she could not trust anyone, even him again. Said the only reason she was with him was she would never live with her mother again and it was better than foster care.

Two days later she and I had a huge fight. She ranted and raved about why was I always at her dad’s house. I snapped, telling her I had as much right being there as they did, I was on the lease and had paid for everything for months. She kept insisting that her father gave me money for bills, and I laughed. He had only had one real pay check in all the time he was with me, and I had to totally piss him off to get money to pay the utility bills. In response to her saying she’d never do anything for me again, I agreed, neither would I. No money, food, rides to school, nothing. I was done. Of course, this went to her father in a totally different manner, and once again I was the evil one. Fifth and Sixth Alarm. Also for me, the stress was taking a heavy toll. I was not sleeping properly and was having chest pains. Several days later, he finally got around to talking with her. And once again, it was my entire fault. She wasn’t “Settled” into her home enough to have me living there. (Meanwhile, I’d only moved in during the short time he was working again, because she had issues with being alone in the house at night.)

Because of a stand I had taken with my family, and a fight I had with my father just that very afternoon, I had no place to go and told him this. He never quite finished what he was telling me, and I got no resolve on what I was supposed to do. Seventh Alarm. Later that week was my birthday, and on several occasions he’d made comments about doing something special. I got nothing, he barely spoke to me, acted completely disinterested and depressed at having to even see me. He handed his daughter a $20 and said, you guys go to Burger King or someplace. Eighth Alarm.

Within a week or so, all the “lies” I had told him about his daughter came back up, because a trusted friend had been following her activity closely and had proof on what I knew, and more. Much more and much worse. She knew she was in big trouble with her father and he was totally uncommunicative after he let her know he found out all. When I got home she was in a horrible mood, and rather than deal with her, I left and called him on his cell phone. We began to talk, and then argue. I finally had enough and asked him “what was going on and what do you want from me because I can’t do this anymore?” His response was “I don’t know what I want but this isn’t working.” I lost it, and said “Of course it isn’t working, you’ve shut down and not talked to me in months. How can it work if only one of us is doing all the work.”? We got into issues his daughter had, and how he had told me that I should probably leave (which he never did). I tried getting him to see that he could not cope with her issues alone, and he cut me off before I could say she needed professional help. He hung up on me and refused to take my calls. Never came home all night. I never slept, and started checking things on line and in history as I had done before.

I found comments to friends about me, made by his daughter that was totally untrue. And I found that he had supposedly told her that I was spying on him at work. “What is he feeling guilty about?” I wondered. In the next piece of dialogue I found my answer. His daughter had lied, saying that I had been in her room the night before while she was sleeping and saw the clothes her dad was having her wash for this “lady my dad works with.” This child barely did her own laundry, and she was doing it for someone else? Immediately things started making sense. He had not touched me in over two months. Once when was getting into bed, I noticed scratches on his back and arms, he claimed he had slipped and fallen down a hill. Odd, but when I traced them, they were a perfect fit for fingernails. (Alarms were going off as fast as my heartbeat now.) He never returned any of my calls, so in the morning, I confronted his daughter about the laundry. She went white as a ghost then got really angry and said I needed to talk to her dad. Had my answer.

I left one last message telling him I needed to speak to him as soon as possible, because if not, I was shutting off everything that was in my name as I was done taking his crap. No response, I began with the phones, getting myself out of one contract he’d just tried to lock me into on a third cell phone I did not need. My credit had to be flagged that he had gained my personal data fraudulently. His daughter came home from school, supposedly sick, but it was just to get in my way. I was finally able to get him on the phone and tell him that he better get his daughter out of my way before I called the authorities to haul her off. I was exhausted, and beyond rationalization at this point. He came to the apartment, stomping around to see what I was packing. I told him not to worry, he had nothing I wanted. Although he could not look me in the eye when he said it, he did tell me “by the way I haven’t bedded anyone else since I’ve been with you. I can’t believe you’d think that.”

He claimed he’d slept in his truck the night before. I knew better. All day he’d either stop back in or call me to see what was going on. When he realized I shut off the house phone, he was really upset. Kept asking why I thought he wouldn’t pay the bills, and I just said I needed to think of myself. I couldn’t handle what all was there as it was, and I did not need them running up any higher.

The last I heard from him, after I was totally out of there, was a threatening message on my cell phone. I’d taken the bed I bought for us, and although he said he’d pay me for it, no money was given. I refused to leave anything of value there, especially for him to sleep with his lady friend in. He said he was calling the police on me because I had the keys to the house and I had already notified the landlord that I was moving out and to modify the lease. Thank God for friends and family, who rallied around me and helped me, get things out of there as soon as possible. I am more than 10 thousand dollars poorer than I was 8 months ago. This bastard claims he will pay me back, but I know I will never see dime one of anything he owes me.

Moral of the story here: Listen to your head instead of your heart. Don’t keep details of the relationship from friends like I did. Others would ask me if he was paying his way and I would say yes. Maybe if I had let someone know months ago what I was blind to, I could have been out sooner with less damage. His story: He is a 40-year-old man, salt and pepper hair. He has several tattoos, one with his children’s names, and several panthers on his back. His daughter is 14, and was molested at 10, and abused by the mother’s boyfriends until she came to be with her father. Every woman in his life had let him down, and he is always the wounded needy soft speaking one. If you hear anything that resembles any of this story, run very far and very fast away from him. He cares for nothing but himself.