letters
FROM READERS - JANUARY '01

Warnings!

There has been a number of cases where women from Europe, Asia, India, and other European countries want to get Canadian or American citizenship who get on the internet to find a man they can easily deceive into believing they are "in love" and wish to marry so that they can easily get citizenship by way of marriage.... then once they come to Canada or the U.S. and marry, divorce the man a year later once their citizenship is secured - the whole motive being to obtain citizenship.

As soon as these women know that the man is interested in continuing the internet relaionship, they make it clear that they do not want to waste their time in continuing the "net romance" unless the man is willing to marry them and pursue talk of marriage plans - All this happens within two or three weeks after the initial internet "meeting" --

There is no real love (real love does not happen over the internet) and no intention to have a loving marriage relationship on a permanent basis ! as! the womans real motive is just to get into the country and obtain citizenship and then divorce and take half the mans wealth and possessions.

I personally know of this happening and have also heard of it happening to others and urge you to post a comprehensive warning for men as this kind of thing happens much too often. .

Wild's Reply - It's really unfortunate that it's still happening, and will probably keep happening as long as people train themselves to know what to say and how to act, and the people they seek to deceive are lonely. Thanks for writing :)


My Story

I am so glad I found your site before anything happened...

I met R in an Australian chatroom about 4 months ago. He messaged me and we started to chat. He was funny and sensitive, telling me about his ex and how he still thought about her. I had recently seperated from my husband and although I wasn't looking for love, he certainly piqued my interest.

We arranged to meet again online and the relationship blossomed. He sent me a couple of pics and HE WAS CUTE. I gave him my number and he called straight away. We talked for a bit and then the SMS text messages started. He would message me all the time.

There was, however, something about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. He had never told me anything about his background or anything of a personal nature. When I asked, he would either change the subject or say "brb" and not come back.

We were organising to meet and I finally sent him mail saying "I don't know anything about you, tell me or we won't meet" Guess what? I haven't heard from him since! Funny that huh? I am just grateful your site was here to provide a reality check for me! I could've been in a potentially nasty situation. Thanks for making sure I kept my head

Wild's Reply - You did good! When in doubt, check it out! His inconsistencies and sudden disappearances when you asked for information would have spooked me too. Either he couldn't think of something on the spot, or just didn't want to bother with anyone who wanted details. Thanks for sending this, it's important to keep in mind that no matter how fascinating, no matter how infatuated you may be, the reality is you still know the people down the street better than you know your net lover.


Stop me before I make a mistake!

My mother sent me this site because I really need some advice from the guys and gals on this one.

Let me start this letter off by saying I was/am a pretty lonely guy, for a long time I didn't look for dates and the girls I did date seemed more interested in hurting me than not. I'm 25 now and understand a little bit more about dating and meeting women, so I have regained some of the hopes of my youth about meeting a wonderful woman for me.

Secondly I would like to mention I am a 5+ year veteran of internet long distance romances. I've never been burned for cash or anything like thay. I've been "in love" with people anywhere from 1 to thousands of miles away from me, and generally speaking the worst I have ever done is just stopped sending e-mails to someone (which is ALWAYS a bad idea if you have a semblance of a relationship). I've learned to tell the maybe from the truly bad. For example, I met a woman from country X and in her second e-mail she told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her. This was what I was looking for when I was 19 or 20, but not now. Pass.

I've only had perhaps two serious girlfriends "in real life", and about five dates. So I don't think I have a lot of experience with women. However recently I met a wonderful (sounding), good looking (in pictures) woman from a distant land, and we seemed to have hit it off. At the current time, I have known her for about three weeks. She's from Taiwan, and I am from Canada. She has a job with the government. She has a cellphone. She has a junior college education. Just from knowing her I know she is not lying (probably) about her job and her vital details.

Now we didn't meet on a buy-a-bride site. We met in the Canadian Chat room of a popular friend finding site. She has a cousin (who is married with children) in Canada, and she has lived here for periods of time in the past. Well we hit it off so well that we started discussing marriage. It all happened so innocently at first, we both knew marriage was an option because of her and my profile listing "marriage" as a desired goal, along with friendship, romance, pen-pal, etc.

We seemed to click. But then I started having doubts, because of my mother's advice and your site. talking marriage with a foreign woman after less than a week of chatting on ICQ? Bad idea, I know. But it was so innocent, we had all the baited discussion of two teenagers falling in love for the first time. Now I have heard from your site some very discouraging statistics, such as 2% of foreign marriages succeed and most asian ladies are just looking for a green card. But let me tell you about the positive and negative aspects of our relationship so far. My question to you is, do you think she only wants to immigrate to Canada? That's really my only question, but also maybe you could think of others. negatives: - She lives thousands of miles away from me. - Cultural difference (I understand it somewhat - Chinese lang. minor) - Early discussion of marriage - Our parents frown upon meeting someone on the net so quickly for marriage - She broke up with her boyfriend two months ago positives: - She has a real job and Taiwan really isn't that bad of a place. - She has a cellphone and obviously has "enough" - She has relatives in Canada, who could sponsor her instead of me. - She is aware I'm a student and doesen't have lots of cash right now. -

Even though we want to get married asap, she is willing to wait 1-2 years until I graduate. - She is footing the bill for a ticket/hotel to come and see me for a week. - She understands that getting married has no effect on the need to separately apply for canadian citizenship with all assoc. costs. - Our original plan was for me to live in Taiwan for a couple of years with her, getting married somewhere along the way. - She speaks next-to-perfect english at a conversational speed I could go on but I am "almost convinced" that she is not USING me for a horrifying reason like for visa purposes or trying to scam me for money.

Theoretically when I move to TW (which was actually my plan before I met her - move to a chinese speaking country and teach english for a year), she would not be able to come to canada with me for several years, during which time we would build a small family. The only thing I am worried about is that I wonder if it's right to move so quickly, also, is there something I am just *not* seeing? We chat for at least an hour every day and I phone her for a few minutes (using a phone card of course) to wake her up most mornings.

It seems like a fairytale romance. We've laughed and cried, had heart to heart talks about a lot of things, and "just chatted". She doesen't "like everything I like and agree with me on everything" completely. Many times I have been truly suprised that she really does like the same things that I do, I know because she expresses her interest in things too, before I an express an interest in them. for example 50's music (Paul and Paula, Hoagy Carmichael, etc) -- She even sent me a couple of songs over ICQ, and I expressed to her my suprise at her knowledge of the area.

She is a dog person, she has a dog as do I.. I've heard him barking on the phone.. The list goes on. There is much more we talked about that I won't mention here, but no we did not have any form of cybersex. Just the *hug* and *goodnite kiss* stuff. I guess one negative aspect of this relationship is that she frequently tells me she wants to hug me, or hold me (it means only what it exactly says) because she really loves me. In closing, let me say that if this is a scam or if she is using me, it is the most elaborate scam I have ever encountered. Advice please! Or, maybe, am I in that lucky 2%? Afraid/Fascinated/Confused/Intrigued/In Love,

Wild's Reply - Geez, you sound like such a nice guy.. It's interesting that with the group of December letters I received, was one of the letters above about women in other countries wanting to meet and marry Canadian/American men. The kicker was that they begin the "love" talk within a few weeks of meeting online. To me, that would be the dealkiller. I couldn't love somebody I'd known less than a month online, that I'd never met in person. I am not saying I wouldn't have feelings for them, enjoy talking with them, laughing, sharing, it's nice to have a special friend. But you're doing exactly what the first writer said was trouble. Talking marriage, kids, the whole ball of wax in just a few weeks. Do I think she's using you? Probably. It's not about money, it's about citizenship. As we know, there are different types of visas, and fiance visas are apparently much easier to get than immigration visas. It would not surprise me if she were working on a few people at a time, one of you would have to work out.

There's just no real way to know. I'd nix the marriage/kids talk for awhile and see if she continues on as she has. If she starts to press for marriage talk, when you don't bring it up and don't talk about it anymore, I'd take that for an answer. Could you be in the lucky 2%? Sure, somebody has to. But I don't think that lucky 2% mentioned love in the first week of their icq meet. Take care, good luck. Hug your mom. :)


Stalked and Conned

To start off with my first experience on the net, I met a man in the next state to me who told us all his children were missing. Later tried to commit suicide.

We became very good friends. He wanted to meet my husband and I and silly me unknown of net dangers at the time agreed. He seemed a very nice man, who we got on very well with, however my husband was very skeptical, as it turned out he was right.

This man turned out to be a psychotic conman, who uses women. He escaped to America to get out of paying child support. His exwife had to go through a terrible time with him as he was having online affairs with women on the net and neglecting his kids who I might add were ADD and very hard to control.

He has conned quite a few women on the net that I have heard from. Claiming he loves them all and wants to marry them. Often making up stories, using his children as bait. He becomes very obsessional, like a boy with a favourite toy.

When we found out he was a conman my husband and I were threatened very badly. He is still hiding in America and using women on the net to stay over there as he is wanted over here.

Wild's Reply - Sounds charming. Anymore info you can provide about him (not his name of course) that will help others who read this identify him? I'm curious as to why a single man would want to be invited into a married couple's home whom he met on the net. Weren't you? You're lucky, things could have been worse. By all means, use whatever you can to locate his wife in her country and let her know where he is, or how you think he can be found. Thanks for sharing your story.


PAGE TWO OF JANUARY '01 LETTERS

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