FROM READERS - JAN/FEB/MARCH 2002

Internet Affair

One day, while checking my husband's laptop computer I noticed an ICQ message that stated "Hi baby, don't have time to talk, just checking my e mail." Well needless to say I freaked out on my husband and told him to call her immediately to call things off. He did and I promptly kicked him out of the house. To my chagrin, he e mailed her from the hotel that he stayed at and told her that he was kicked out.

The following day, he came over and begged me to take him back and that things just got out of hand. This woman had actually come to my wedding. I then sent this chick an e mail telling her to stay away from my husband. My husband and I went to marraige conselling and I actuually thought that things were working out. Several months later, I picked up my husbands message (he is an airline pilot and lives sometimes in another location), and sure enough, it was her. I asked him at that time whether or not he had called this chick and he insisted that he had not. Well, I was looking in his wallet one day nad found a phone card. I asked him about the phone card and he insisted that he had it so that he could call me on the road. I called the phone card company and made up a story that I needed the number as it was important to me. Like I thought, he had used the phone card to call her. Like an idiot, he convinced me that he had only called her twice (which I still don't know) and we continued working on our marriage. Needless to say, I still did not trust him.

I then set up a bogus e mail address and pretended to be her, just to see if he, in fact could be trusted. Initially he told me aobut the e mail, and then insisted that she (i.e. me) stopped e mailing him. I asked him if he had ever answered any of her e mail, and he claimed he did not. WRONG AGAIN. Like I suspected he sent her an e mail, and he did tell her to buzz off, let's just say that he said it "gently". I confronted him with the e mail and he said that someone must have impostered him. How pathetic is that!!!!! What is even more pathetic is that I took him back again. Now here comes the kicker.

I had called this chick several times calling her names, and using the venacular. In the meantime, she had called my husband at his second resididence. They chatted a few times over the telephone, and she stated that she was keeping a file on me and that if I did not stop calling her she would go to the police.

One day, while my husband and I were having a beer on the deck, I told him that I had called her several times and gave her a piece of my mind. He told me that I had better be careful that she did not charge me for harrasment. I laughed and told him that she could go ahead.

Again, one night, I called to pick up my husband messages and sure enough she had left him a message. By this point I had already hired a lawyer and a letter was sent to her insisting that she stay away from both of us. I felt I had enough to go to the police. Well, I was shocked when the police told me that she had put in complaint about me and that she had told my husband all about it. In other words, he knew that when I went to the poice she had already put in a complaint. I could not beleive that my husband would agree with me calling the police when he knew full well that she had already done so. Then, when I confronted him he said (to my shock) "what I told you"!!!!!!!

My husband has lied to me several times and I do not know what to beleve anymore. For the most part, he is a good husband. Is there anyone out there that would give him another chance?

Wild's Reply - You two deserve each other. How can you sit here and play the victim when you are as guilty as he is? You check his messages, you check his email, you create an account to make it look like the other woman. Your jealousy will be your undoing. He told you about the email, he told you he cut her loose (and you saw that for yourself). And for your part harassing this other woman only makes you look bad. Leave her alone, stick to the counselling and get some individual therapy to deal with your insecurity.

About Pictures

I just want to tell how many people actually misrepresent themselved in the personal ads. After reading this site and having the experience with somebody who put not his own picture, I started to ask a person upfront to send me a couple of different pictures in mail. Many people just back off right away! There are ways to alter pictures artistically. Also a person can have just one good picture and look totally different on others and in life. Plus some pictures could be shot many years ago. Plus pictures pulled off the web.. I think it should be a red flag if a person says: this in the only picture I have. How come there were no pictures made in years? And why not to get a camera and shot some more pics?

On the other hand, I disagree that not having a scanned picture should be a red flag. I don't have one, for example. But I am ready to send a pic in mail. I, myself, maintain a p.o.box for these things. I think it's disrespectful to demand the electronic pictures and only those. I don't want to go to the photo express and ask them to scan mine: I don't want them to look at my pics, I, sometimes, may look kind of sexy on them and I don't want them to stare. The real picture is better anyway because it gives more chances that it is a picture of that actual person.

The advice with a newspaper sounds very good: but most would be offended by that, unfortunately. I think that generally, it's the best to have real, paper pictures sent to you, and as many as possible (you can promise to return them back), plus see the date on the back of them. That all reduces the likelihood of misrepresentation. If the person if offended by such a request, or backs off, or says that he or she doesn't have pictures, it indicates that something is wrong. Either age or the picture wasn't own or was way "too good", or altered. Sometimes, even after seeing the real pic the actual person can be so suprisingly different! The best is to meet in person, therefore.

Wild's Reply - So people should go to the expense of purchasing a P.O. Box which is probably located somewhere near their home just to get snail mail pictures? That makes more sense than having a picture scanned and sending it electronically? And your excuse! You don't want people to see your pictures, they might be too sexy and they might stare? Are you sending nudies? Honey if you're sending nudies to strangers on the net, you have more to worry about than some guy at Kinko's looking at your picture while it scans.

I once heard of a site that let women record who they were going on internet dates with. The gurl could tell the screen name and age and all the stuff she knew about them before they went to meet. Including where and when they were meeting. Then if she didn't check back in within 24 hours or something the site would notify the police and any other specified addresses (like parents or friends). Have you ever heard of this? I'm desperately tryin to find it. I once read about it in a magazine, but now I dont remember what the name was. Anyways just thought if anyone would know, it would be someone that ran a site like this.

Wild's Reply - That site, SmartDate, is gone. It was operated by the family of Kristen Denise Smart, a freshman at Cal Poly who disappeared on her way home from a New Years Party. I do not know of other sites like it unfortunately.

Yet Another Story

Okay ­ here goes. Met in an IRC trivia game. Saw each other there every other day for four or five months. A group of us 30ish year olds moved onto a voice chat java applet on his website. All good fun and some stupid, basic flirting between all of us but only group chat for 3 months.

A couple of nights we were the only two in there and things kinda picked up. He was obviously extremely well educated and intelligent. He had his own business in Political Consultancy, he had a pilot’s licence and a share in a plane, he had his own house in Florida with a pool. After 8 months of talking every day we decided that he would come here so we could see how it would go IRL.

A few months before we were to meet, he got ‘screwed’ by the IRS and had to close his business down and as part of that he had to sell his share in the plane. Then to protect ‘his’ home from the horrible IRS, he had to put his house in his mother’s name. He lost his car after an accident. His ex-wife shot herself. So surprise, surprise…… the guy who turns up on my doorstep has none of the things he had only months before. Infact, he turned up for a three month holiday with $200 to his name. So I told him to fuck off as it was all obviously bullshit, right????

Wrong!! I felt sorry for him. I had already committed myself to this guy…. and that means for good and bad times. We’d get through it together and go on to live happily ever after.

It all went pretty well, of course. He did seem to drink too heavily but was never violent…. Just drank till he passed out. Well, that was okay….. I loved him and he loved me and through that I would help him to stop drinking so heavily and we would go on to live happily ever after. Three months were up all too quickly so he extended his Visa for another three months. By the end of that I couldn’t imagine going back to a long distance relationship. I had already decided that this was the guy for me so we got married very quickly so we could stay together.

That’s where all the little problems that had been hinted at suddenly grew in nightmarish proportions. We are talking a major escalation in his drinking. If he called me at work and I was in a meeting or just not available, I had to spend the night proving that I wasn’t screwing around. Suddenly, he decided he hated all my friends ­ they were all assholes and I was insensitive for wanting to see them. HE was the one who had moved countries. HE was the one that wasn’t allowed to work whilst awaiting permanent residency. HE was the poor person stuck in this shitty town. That’s why he drank, of course…nothing was his fault.

Six months later I was a completely broke, bashed, depressed wife with a husband in jail for pulling a knife on me in a drunken rage.

The things that have most screwed with my mind were the fact that from my point of view, the times we had together when he was sober were some of the most wonderful of my life ­ I really loved this guy and for a time afterward, I told myself that those times were wonderful for him too and it was just his alcoholism that tore us apart. In fact, that’s the impression I have given all my family and friends. What I know deep down, is that this guy played me from the start ­ he never loved me, he never loved those times ­ he was just doing the basics to get a woman he could have sex with, who would support him and who he could completely and utterly control. That was it.

One of the worst things afterwards was the look on the cops faces, and the way they treated me, after they found out we had met on the net. I have never felt like such a stupid bitch in all my life. That’s not true of all cops, as my case was reassigned to a wonderful cop who just did his job and treated me with dignity and respect. But I suspect that part of the reason I felt so bad was because they were justified in reacting like that. I had been stupid….. and blind……and ignorant….. and far too forgiving.

Take it slowly, people. Read all the letters on this site and instead of trying to point out to yourself why your situation is different, be honest with yourself and try looking for similarities. Speak softly and carry a big stick.

Wild's Reply - Wow, it sounds like you married my ex. I'm so sorry. It really sucks when you find out that nothing you thought was real ever was and you were just played for your money and support. It's so important to think with your head and not your heart, not to be defensive and to try to be objective when others offer their input on your situation. If only we'd listened eh?