|
Just a Bad Date
About a year ago, I wrote an online personal ad. I got quite a few responses, but I was initially attracted to this Vietnamese fellow- I am not stereotyping or anything, but I seem to hit it off well with the studious/quiet "asian guy." Compared to caucasions, anyway. So we talked for a few weeks via email, he seemed very sweet and personable, and we finally agrred to call eachother. I called him the next day and he seemed very arrogant and moody. I then emailed him the next day after that and said I didn't think this would work out, our personalities just simply don't mesh. He wrote a long apologetical email and called me that night, and seemed a little nicer this time on the phone. I am a woman into personality more than apperance, though by no means am I "unnatractive" myself- I even told him I didn't care about looks, I just wanted him to be sincere. ONe thing I did notice though beyond that first stiffening call is that he had no sense of humor, he would not laugh at anything when I made a joke- he was simply not fun. But he insisted that we meet anyway "What harm will a little dinner do?" So we finally agrred to meet, and I traveled about an hour to meet him halfway and a TGIF's. He knew what I looked like beforehand, but while we were having dinner he said, "You know, after seeing you I think the only thing that will come from this is friendship." I took it as a major blow to my self-worth. While we continued eating, I noticed him eyeing other women with a smug grin on his face while they passed our table. After the dinner I asked him what exactly he expected- a model??. He said somebody taller, looked a little bit older or wore more make-up, feminine clothes, heels, etc. He actually lied to ME about his heigth and ended up being a few inches shorter than me! Hew knew from the start also that I was 22 and he was 34, so of course I wasn't going to look his age. I guess he expected a supermodel, but I had never, ever indicated that. I basically just wanted a nice person to go out with, and as BRidget Jones herself would say, got emotional f#ckwittage instead!! There is no financial scams or mafia blowouts to the end of this story, but it simply is this- the Red Flags can be anything- no laughing, insisting to meet even when you KNOW that you would not even end up as friends with this person because you have nothing in common, trying to change you by telling you you should dress a certain way, etc.. and if they don't seem like a nice guy- trust your intuition instead of him! I am still hoping to find somebody that will accept me for me, how I like to dress included. When you go out of your way to find a guy with a "great personality"...it doesn't promise you anything, they can still be another typical jerk, amazingly enough. Wild's Reply - A picture says a thousand words. I didn't see where you'd sent him yours or he had sent you his. But on the plus side, rather than wasting months to years on somebody getting to know them, you got the meeting out of the way pretty early on and found out there wasn't anything there. It could have been worse. One Last Gentleman Ok.Here goes nothing.I'm putting this story in to give myself a little therapy.To try to get over the damage done by this evil young man. It all started on icq.I was looking through chat with a friend,and his name came up.One Last Gentleman.Well,of course the name sounded appealing.He asked right away what an older woman was wanting with a younger man.Well,I personally like chatting with the young ones because they are more freespirited,and I told him so.We chatted for a bit that night,nothing serious.The next day when loaded icq,there was a message from him saying that he couldn't get his mind off of me.Right at this point in my life,I was going through something really emtional. Anyways,we continued to chat,and I told him of my personal problems.He wanted to meet me in person,and he told me so everytime we chatted.I kept refusing, simply because I didn't know him well enough to do that yet.One night I was feeling really down,and I agreed to meet him.I picked him up at a store near his house,and we decided to go to a park and talk.I wasn't overly attracted to him physically,but i thought,if I can make a friend, then what the hell. We stood outside at the park,and he said he wanted to hug me,just to confort me.I felt slightly uncomfortable with it,but I agreed.We had our first kiss that night,and he held my hand on the drive home.We became close really fast after that point,and he told me lot of personal things about himself as well.Things I wouldn't question,becuase I never intended on having a serious relationship with him,and I had no reason to doubt him at this point. One night chatting with him,he said something that conflicted with what he had previously told me,so I questioned him about it.The more I questioned,the more his story started to change.I had reason to believe at that point he was lying to me,so I basically dumped him.20 minutes later i received an email from him.A long one,telling me about all the lies he had told me.I appreciated his honesty,forgave him,and moved on.But i still doubted him because he had lied to me.My friends were telling me to dump him at this point. We continued to see each other,about twice a week,and we had fun together.He gave me his password to his email account,and because i doubted his honesty somewhat,I started checking into it.I looked through his address book,took note of all the femaes on his list.There was one girl he told me about,he said that she was a really good friend from highschool,and that she had moved away. One day when checking his email(I know that's wrong)I came upon a conversation he was having with a different girl,and the things that were written made me even more suspicious.I asked him about it,and he basically got mad at me for throwing accusations at him.It was eating at me,I suspected him of being a cyber gigalo.I considered then to check into these people on his mailing list,through icq.I told him that I was going to check out his stories,and that i didn't believe him.He threatened me and said, "I told you if you were going to make me decide between you and my friends,you'd lose".I knew right there that he was lying. I had sent his friend from highschool that moved away a message on icq the day prior,and she answered me back.i asked her what her relationship was with him,and she wouldnt really give me any info.I was really nice about it,and finally she came out with it.He had been promising her the same things as me,sending her the same emails...and told her that he wasnt seeing anyone else.I told her my side of the story,and she didn't want to believe me,but finally I started gaining her trust.She had been through some ugly times herself.She lost a child to cancer,her ex beats her... All of a sudden she turned on me,seems as though he was on the other end telling her that I was the liar,and that I was so jealous and wanted him so bad,i would do anything.He told her I was raped,and conceived a child from that rape.God only knows what else he said about me.She started talking to all his friends over the computer,and they told her that i had destroyed relationships for him..just that I was an awful human being.So in other words,he was lying to everyone,about everything.so basically she called my ass fat(lol),and said that he loved her!not me!I said,have him,he's not worth my time or energy.Actually,I think they probably make a good couple.So to chalk it up,everything he told me were lies,and he deleted me from every list he had me on. He just left,no consience.I was in total sock.How could this person
that i Wild's Reply - I guess the old saying "what goes around, comes around" has some merit. This is part I'll never understand. How you can sound so righteous and indignant over what this guy did to you, and have absolutely no remorse, guilt or other feelings towards what you did to your family. Wow, this guy slept with you and lied to you and blah blah blah.. uh, what about the adultery you committed? The lies you told your husband? The risk you exposed him to by bringing a stranger into your relationship. It's stupid all around. You type like a youngster, it's difficult to buy into the whole older woman, freespirited guy, married thing. It's a learning experience for everybody. If I hear "loveless marriage" one more time I think I'll vomit. Nailed a loser Dear Wild, I am so glad to have found your site, wish i would have read it sooner. I have been online for about 3 years now and have experienced both good and bad online relationships. I want to share my bad experience w/ you in the hopes of preventing someone else my hurt and anguish, but most of all to share with them not all women are naive and you can NAIL a guy before it's too late! I met a man online, i'll call him "the idiot", well when i met him i was married, had been married for a very long time, but it was a bad marraige, he swooned me and dived deep into my soul, which was something that had been lacking in my own personal life. I can't even begin to try to chat like him, he's very, well he's the master manipulator. I left my husband, but for the right reasons, thank goodness for that! But after i left, i told this individual i had filed for divorce and all of a sudden, he told me this girl trapped him by getting pregnant and he felt he had to be the honorable man and marry her, even though he didn't love her. Well immediately i had sum suspicions, however he mezmorized me on line. We could chat for hours about nothing, or everything. Laugh for hours and or argue. We had an extremely volatile relationship. This only grew over time and he mailed me things, cards, jewelry, other items. He portrayed himself to be self-employed, and living rather well in a custom built home, had a boat in Florida, etc. He told me where he worked, but failed to mention that he supposedly now is a subcontractor for this company, b/c once i phoned the company inquiring, posing as a credit inquiry and realizing he either wasn't employed there, or he was lying about his name. He then asked me to mail him things to work, but being the person i am, i told him i felt uncomfortable w/ mailing personal items to his employment. So he opened up a p.o. box closer to his residence. He resides on the border between two states. Well, it was a holiday, and apparently they returned my package so i called the post office and inquired aboiut it, b/c he said he did open the p.o.box and had his receipt. Well...without
me asking, the post office employee happened to divulge some information
stating that yes ma'am, he did in fact open the p.o.box but that was
not the only name on the box!!! Surprise! Surprise! Now they wouldn't
release any He and his friend, happen to do this and one night he inquired about my address. Well, he had my address, i had nothing to hide, he had been mailing items to my apartment, what he didnt' realize was he had found the address of my children who resided with their father which really upset me. So i kept my mouth shut and continued to play his game to find out who he was. I have taken my maiden name back and my numbers are restricted so this won't happen again. As time went by, he introduced me to so called family memebers on line, friends, etc. One thing i want to point out is he had told me in the beginning his brother is a commercial airline pilot and he could fly anywhere for free, or fly me to see him, if we got to that point. He never stressed that we would be intimate, instead he would stress the importance of "no words" we just need to be together, to hold one another, etc. So you're thinking, this is a person who has a soul, not is just out for sex. Real smoothe on his part. His sister even called me and spoke w/ me for over an hour a couple of times. He had a phone phobia, did not want to call. Called maybe twice in two years, spoke for approximately five minutes, said he had a problem dealing with speaking to someone who he couldn't actually touch because he had been in the war, and he was devastated but his heart would race, etc. every time he tried to pick up the phone. That the doctors had said he needed medication. Another RED FLAG. He did
ask me to fly up there about 3 times, all of which i declined, because
his wife was pregnant and i felt it was a terrible thing to do to any
woman, no matter what the circumstances were, or no matter how much
i cared for this individual. More time went on, i received other hints,
etc. phone numbers from family members, i proceeded to check on these
phone numbers, all unlisted, except ONE, finally my break!! It was listed
with a different last name, which i had suspected for most of the time
i had spoken with him. I now had a phone number, address, and name.
I checked with the county appraisal district, because that is all free
public information, and inquired about the property at this address.
I now had the real names of the four owners, of two mobile homes, located
side by side. None of which were his name. One name was extremely similar,
but still not the exact name. This was enough proof for me to realize
i was dealing with an individual who obviously had something to hide
and had not been honest. His so-called sister-n-law had given me her
cell number at which time a week later suddenly had been disconnected,
hard to believe when she's supposed to be married to a wealthy commercial
airline pilot, so i checked with the phone company and the phone was
not registered in the names she had been sayin were her or her husbands,
ANOTHER RED FLAG! I kept the information to myself for quite sometime,
but when he started being rude and telling me his child was now sick
w/ some horrendous disease that he had to work on his marraige, etc.
and he could not meet me, i let on that i knew a few of his lies to
be inaccurate. A month passed, i saw him pop back online with one of
his old screen names, and checked to see who was in the room w/ him
at the time. Only one other person, a female who's profile was all about
being "the idiot's" girl. He moved on to his next victim....obviously
not working on his marraige w/ his sick child. I'm sure he realized
i would never fly up there, or meet him and my cards, gifts, had stopped,
so he moved on to the next girl online. I did, in fact warn her, I told
her i wanted nnothing to do w/ him. He was trying to get me to cancel
my own acount online, trying to make me feel vulnerable and weak but
i told him i wasn't going anywhere, i did nothing wrong! i do have a
few true friends online and he was not going to win this game this time.
I hope this story opens up a few eyes and they realize there are ways
of nailing a loser online. By the way, the new girl friend said she
met him in person, and he is on medication, one of which is for depression,
but he had different ids from different states which she realized was
a RED FLAG and he had told her NOTHING about the state he truely resided
in, he was still using the bordering states to work his scheme with,
still saying he's self employed. I since have met a wonderful man, who
is self employed, and is rarely ever online, he DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME!!!!
AND HE CALLS!!!! (Please do not give out my real email address or name
on yr website for my story) Thank you! Wild's Reply - So, you left your husband (for all the right reasons) for this guy and the minute you tell him you've left he's suddenly involved with a pregnant old girlfriend eh. Don't you just hate when that happens? I mean here you are, involved and deeply in love with the perfect guy online and he's head over heels with you, except for the fact that he's got this girlfriend that he inadvertently knocked up and now just has to marry. But you don't worry too much about that other than having some suspicions. Now you go off about the roller-coaster relationship with this married guy - and I can see your perspective is already skewed since you were married when this started anyhow. Marriage just isn't the big obstacle to love outside of marriage that it used to be. Then loverboy won't do a phone call. Two phone calls in two years. Wow! Maybe that's because his wife's always around or somethin. But I get to the part of the show where you all innocent and wronged profess to have done nothing wrong. And I disagree. Whether he was full of shit or telling the absolute truth, you now knew this man to be married and have a child. And that didn't stop you. You pressed on with your gift sending (why did you think you couldn't send them to his house?) and spying for details, all the while not caring that he has a wife. Why is that? Would you care were the situation reversed? If this were your husband and you two had a new baby wouldn't it miff you ever so slightly if some other woman was involved? I don't know what the "right" reasons for ending your marriage were but I don't think you had them. The right reasons is because you're abused, emotionally, verbally, physically. You're agonizingly unhappy, he's never around, there's another woman. But see, here's where the doubt sets in. You met online guy before you left your husband. The guy who dove deep into your soul and swooned you. You know, all the stuff lacking in your own marriage. Then you told him you left. That's where things started to unravel. The right reason also includes the right next steps, which are spend some time living alone, being with friends, and appreciating those aspects of your failed marriage, etc., that were your responsibility, and how to ensure that future relationships worked out better. Having somebody else to run to isn't the right reason. Sympathy Meter for you: <0 --------- 10> - You get Zero.
On Current Photos Hi, I was reading your page on cyber-romance and you wrote about determining a persons photograph is up-to-date. I work with a program called Adobe, and I have to tell you, the amount of friends that want me to smooth out their complexions and distort reality is amazing!!!!!! I refuse to do it as I now know why....but it took me a while to catch on. So...even if the photograph is legit and up to the minute.... It means nothing. Regards, Ana . Wild's Reply - Yup, it is getting tougher and tougher to know for sure. I can see using the program to maybe get rid of that phantom zit that cropped up at the last moment, but using it to shave pounds from around the middle, or put hair where there isn't any isn't fair. But if people are going to lie and deceive, they're going to lie and deceive no matter how much you wish they wouldn't. So put it all together, what they say, how they sound, what they do, how they act, and if all the pieces make a nice picture, go from there. Help! I am new to the "personals". I wrote a letter to someone who thought would be a interesting prospect on February 15, 2001. He was nice enough to write be back about a week later. He apologized for not writing back sooner and complimented me on my nicely written letter. We have been corresponding with each other since. I would say 2 letters per week in total 15-16 letter so far. The communication has been very good. However, he has not made any attempt to ask me for a phone number after all this time. What do you think I should do? 1. Should ask him why he has not asked me for my phone number (I have never had to ask a guy for a phone number in all my life so that makes me a little uncomfortable) 2. Or do you think I should just stop communicating with him all together. The next thing I noticed is that the only time he writes a letter is when I write one to him. I kind of getting tired of that situation. One other thing what is your advice on people who offer their phone numbers immediately asking you to call without any type of e-mail correspondence? I would really appreciate your help on this matter. Thanks. Wild's Reply - You have a lot of options here. If he were more pro-active in communicating with you, I'd say tell him that you'd really like to hear his voice and talk on the phone. If he avoids that, then move on. But he's not. In some cases where people give out numbers right away, they're lousy letter writers, can't type real well, etc. Others just want to move as quickly as possible. I wouldn't do it until I was really comfortable with the person I was emailing with. Then there's the "friend zone". It's great to have friends on the internet that you have and enjoy talking with online. But because you're friends you pretty much keep things online and don't really progress quickly to the phone point. But as far as this guy goes, he sounds like he's playing a lot of people at one time, and rather than try to keep track of who's who, he waits for an email to respond to. I'd ask myself if putting all of the effort into any relationship was what I really wanted and when I answered myself, I'd go with my gut. Pain I knew better. We met online. He had an "online woman". He and I were "just friends". After a month and a half we said "I love you". He then preceded to tell his other online woman that he was with me now. He said he did this. I found out he had not. That happened several times, with him crying and saying he didn't want to hurt her. He moved here to met and be with me. He and his daughter arrived here, expecting me to get him an apartment. I didn't. I did get him a motel room for a month so he could find a job and get settled in. He did not find work. He sent his daughter to his parents and precided to not work for 3 months. I provided most of his food and he called him mother for money. I even suggested his working and McDonald's, to which he told me he was t good for.This worried me. Then I got a call from the hospital saying he was there for thoughts of suicide. I went to him, convienced him to take medication for his depression. Right or wrong I loved this man and saw much in him. His mother sent him more money and we found him an apartment and he finally got a job. Then I found out he was still calling and being in contact with that woman from online ( that he said he had told goodbye). Many times he had looked me in the eye, swore he was not calling her, and got very mad at me for asking such a thing. We worked through it and I stayed with him. The weekend his daughter came home, I called there, only to be told he was at the store with another woman he knew from online!! He had not told me she was coming to see him or anything at all. She was a married woman, just a friend to him he said. He ask me to come over and meet her. I did. Once again, we worked through it. I continued to do everything and anything I could for this man. He owned nothing and had no car nor credit to get one. I filled his apartment with 2 beds, 2 tvs, couch, lamps, tables, toys, entertainment center, everything he needed. I paid for all the phone calls ( I lived only 30 miles away but it was long distance), gas, dates, everything in the relationship. I did it because I wanted to for him and his daughter. If it was raining, I would take off work to drive the 30 miles over there, give him and the little girl a ride home, and drive the 30 miles back to work. I held him while he cried about his past marriages, his son he does not ever see, gave him more emotional support than anyone ever had in his life. After a year of this, I now found out he was talking on the phone regulary to a woman from Canada. When I confronted him with this, he said we were over, his feelings for me had died. She was coming in 3 weeks to meet him. I cried and cried. He called me the next day saying he missed me and wanted to see me. Yes,I went. For 3 weeks he accepted everything I continued to give him. He did continue to say he was still talking to her but that he loved me and was thinking very hard about what in the world he was doing.2 nights before she was still to arrive, I told him not to call me anymore if he was going to let her come there. He did call, saying he loved me. And also saying she was still coming and staying for 10 days and that he had made his decision. Today is the day she was to get there. As I sit here burning alive inside in pain, I do know I am so much better off without him. I still love what he pretended to be, and that hurts, but I know I lost all self respect for myself. He was verablly abusive, mentally abusive, and will always remain a cheater. I have to remind myself, I was the THIRD woman he met online and moved to be with and there will be many more I am sure. He is a murderer that will never get caught. I remember telling him once, after a very mean verbal beating. " You have broken my heart, crushed my soul, and you are now messing with my spirit...please don't" But he did. And I let him. Wild's Reply - That was hard to read. It reminded me too much of people I have known who have been in similar situations, and people I have met who could easily have taken advantage, and some who did. The pain, the anger, everything you feel, I felt it too and that's why I started this site. The reality that hit you hard between the eyes must have been horrible. You know, a dear friend of mine was in a similar situation and I asked her once why she always thought he would change, why she thought that deep down, he was a great guy who was just having a bad day always kind of attitude. And when it was over, I asked her again, why it went on so long, why she let him stay. And what she said really surprised me. She said that it just never occurred to her that people like this existed. Not in real life. People who actually worked at conning and manipulating women to get into their hearts and homes, only to turn around and verbally, emotionally and physically take them down and rip their dignity and self-respect to shreds. She's a much stronger woman today. It was a hard lesson to learn. I remember when I learned it myself. Thanks for your letter and your self-awareness ending. You did allow him, but only to the point that you were not consciously aware that you were in any control over anything. And when you woke up, he was something inconceivable, and your pain was for your mistake and trust. Hug yourself, you'll be okay.
|
