letters
FROM READERS - MARCH '00

 

i met a lady 20 years my junior (me being 46) right when i started chatting the first of November. She had been at it since March or April, and had met 4 other men in person from her chat rooms. I quickly became enchanted, to say the least. I let her set boundaries, never trying to rush her.

We startetalking on the phone after less than a week, having seen pics of one another online. We decided to meet in late December in a nuetral city, then went to her place for New Years. She has two wonderful chidren that i was totally in love with, and our visit only cemented my conviction she was THE ONE for me.

We discussed my moving there, and I wanted to wait until I had paid a few bills off. A few days after I returned home, she changed her mind and wanted me there as soon as possible, to move in with her instead of getting my own place. I had a ticket to visit her again at the end of January, but two weeks before she began to have second thoughts.

She looked at negative behavior on my part, like getting angry at a bill collector calling my 84 year mother and scaring her. She couldn't take my anger, saying she has never been around anyone who gets angry at small things. I know her town is small, but give me a break.

I got upset at her about the same time for being a chat room junkie, living her life more online than not. She wasn't able to see how her behavior affected me, maybe that is my fault. She cancelled my trip, ignored me for days and this week i got te dear john letter. i didn't repond, and two days later i got an email from her asking me why i didn't respond. I still didn't, it was killing me i loved her so much and was willing to quit my job, leave my daughter and lfe behind to be with her. I got another email asking if i hated her. I fially responded and let her off the hook...that's all she wanted, to feel better about herself and i still did what i felt was best for her.

In the end i had spent $750 on my phone bill, gave her 2 promise rings during my visit to her and not to mention the insurance payment and ISP payment, the lost plane ticket and bus ticket ($60 non-refundable) and presents and gifts. I had not opened my heart in over 10 years to a woman, and her i was with a woman who ended up hurting me like no other. Sorry for the length of this, just felt a need to share.


I have read some of the letters mostly about married men and women who have been caught up with the joy of meeting new people, only to have it turn bad. I am one of those people. I am married, and three years met a woman on line who lived far away. She was married, and we were very honest about that. We even talked about why we were on line and not with our spouses. It was obvious we were looking for distraction and we just connected one night.

Well, we even councilled each other, suggesting ways to improve our marriage, and we would talk to eachother about that. I thought I had a good friend. Well we became curious, and as her marriage slowly slipped away we thought about meeting. Separate rooms at first but as we drew near our time to meet that became one room and we knew we would be lovers.

After that we stayed on line, and for some reason we seemed to accept our distance, and that we had lives and the realities had set in. We met again, and again, did many things. Still, the relationship was important to me and she accepted that I was married. I think to myself, "how did this get this far" and all I can say is I am amazed.

The net can take you over, and this is not an excuse. One find's themselves looking forward to ending the day with that net partner, not the spouse. It is easy when it comes down to it. One click and you can disconnect and no one can critisize you. It is private and one can be themsleves, or someone else. One can deny problems at home because it is easy...your on line lover will say what you want to hear.

I still exchnage e-mails, once a week we chat but this is winding down, even if she is divorced and doing well on her own. I am still married and have begun working on that. So the questions are: a. has this affair helped me? I doubt it. b. has it helped her? I think so. c. Do i want to meet her again? I am afraid I will, though the attraction is not appealing as it was. and d. would I do this again? The whole thing has been exhausting. I cannot even think about logging on for chat rooms anymore, nor think about going through any of this again, which makes me ask what makes men and women so PASSIONATE about meeting others on line. It has led to divorces, hurt kids and families.

I consider the other woman my friend, as she does me, and even as we kept the reality issue there, I would help her the best I can. I have never had notions of leaving here for her, and I see how our trust built. Finally, i mentione this site to a male friend and he read some of the letters and he told me he knows how to avoid being caught!!! What do you mean? Seems he is in the same relationship I was in. Some of those letters seem to actually help people continue this way of life. Hopefully, the letters will help the victims in a more poisitive way. I am against this technology because it seems to create more problems than it solves. Okay, thanks.

Wild's Reply - I doubt that any of the letters on this site help anyone continue an affair. I doubt it gives them methods for avoiding getting caught. If people are gonna screw around, they're going to screw around. They aren't getting helpful tips from this site. What they are getting is the pain, the deception, the betrayal. Anyone who didn't get that, is cocky to begin with and will most definitely get caught.


In early June of 1998 I heard that infamous "uh oh" go off flashing that little envelope at me. Instead of being someone on my online contact list. It was a random message. Usually I tend to ignore random messages, but this time I was rather bored and figured why not.

I got the usual hi, how are you, where you from. We chatted for awhile and he asked if I had a boyfriend, and at the time I did. We got to know each other, he said he traveled for work and couldn't have a girlfriend cause of the extensive traveling. I was just the person I was and comforted him and told him that girl was out there somewhere for him. He insisted that that girl was me. He told me this after many chats with him.

I grew apart from my boyfriend, and started spending more time with this insistant man. We chatted got to know each other time went on, and my relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated. I started to spend more and more of my time with this man. I rushed home for my lunch hours and rushed home from work to be with him on the computer.

In early September we had mentioned those 3 words to each other. I did love him and he said he loved me too. We had decided that we should meet. He was from the very North Eastern Canada, and I was from Texas. He mentioned that he would be in Florida in Fort Lauderdale for a Volleyball tournament. He said he played for the National Volleyball team in Canada. Plans were made I was to go meet him the second week in October to be with my honey. It got to the point where he said that he wasn't going to want to leave Florida and go back to Canada. He mentioned transfering down to Florida, and moving there. The company he worked for had offices in Florida and how convenient they even had one in Ft. Lauderdale. So it was set he was transfering to Florida and would be a little closer to me.

I was very in love with this man. My friends saw not much of me at all. My parents started to worry about me. My phone bills were averaging around $200 to $300 a month. It was like I was was working to pay the phone bill. Well two weeks before our meeting day was already here. It was the end of September. I was so excited and so very happy that I was going to meet that man that captured my heart. I got an email from him saying he got his physical done because he had to get it done before the tournament. It turned out that he wasn't going to Florida that he had a serious heart condition. I was devestated and couldn't believe all this was happening. The man that I so very much loved was very sick and I couldn't be with him.

I went ahead and took my vacation that I had planned to take some time off and rest. We all needed rest. That Wednesday the usual routine get off from work and rush straight home to check the email. I had an email there from my baby just like I did every day. Except this one it wasn't so pleasant at all. This was a forwarded email that was sent to me and about eleven other women. It's contents said this is a joke to all of you. I never cared for any of you kind of email... I was so hurt and devastated and did not know what to do. I started taking one pill after the other, and almost successfully committed suicide. I slept for 3 days and didn't even know it. My roomate was out of town and well my parents didn't really check up on me at all. But my bestfriend found me...barely alive and ok... The "mrx" had made a mistake when he sent that email. He forwarded it with all the email addresses at the top of ALL the women he sent this too. That left a door wide open on who was who.

Us girls got to know each other there was about 4 on that list that he really talked to a lot. Out of these four I was one of them. We all talked to each other. One was in Oklahoma (whom he broke up a marriage with this one), one was in New Zealand (he was to move there too cause that was where his job could send him), and the other in Turkey (she broke up with her boyfriend for him as well). Last but not least there was me. However we all began to talk, and stories were all the same except for mine. I knew his whole name, his age, that he had a brother, knew his bestfriend, and the thing that shocked them the most was that I had talked to his mother on the phone, and also that I was the only one that knew about is heart condition. The girl from Turkey her and I became pretty good friends her relationship with mrx was pretty close, but still mine and his was the strongest. She could tell how much I loved this man and she couldn't understand why he would throw something so special away and play around like that. H (the girl from turkey) had called mrx's house and he answered she said she talked to him, and she said the first thing out of his mouth was how is Angel (that being me). He wanted to know how I was and couldn't stop asking about me. All I knew that I was devasted that this man that I gave my whole heart and sole to had did whatever he did to me. I couldn't understand how someone could do such a thing. Even spend thousands of dollars on long distance phone calls.

Mrx was soon to go into the hospital to have his heart surgery done. It got to the point where we talked every now and then, but it wasn't the same. He couldn't stop crying every time we talked. He had his surgery done in Seattle, and during this time I kept in touch with his brother about his well being. Mrx had apparently felt as if he should die in his heart surgery that he didn't deserve to live for all the pain he caused me. The big heart that I carry I found it a part to forgive him for what he did. The day of his surgery I prayed all day said rosaries every hour on the hour, and even went to church that night in tears cause I was scared and didn't want him to die. He lived through the surgery, which this surgery is where only 23 out of 79 survive. Mrx returned back to Canada at the end of November. We started to talk again through email, but not much. He didn't get on ICQ that much cause he was weak.

Christmas had passed and we were talking on the phone again we cried to each other about what happened. He begged me to forgive him, and that I did. New Years passed he was going to the doctor daily getting the checkups he needed. His strength slowly came back, and he was able to get around much better now. We made plans again to meet in March where I would be there the week of his birthday and as well as two weeks after. As time went by I noticed him being gone a lot in the evenings and that he would only get online after 10 my time which was about 12:30am his time. I didn't think much of it. I just knew that the man that I loved deeply was back in my life again.

Two weeks before I was to head off to Canada, and this time with plans of staying in Canada to marry him. I had my plane ticket and everything had already turned my 2 weeks notice into work, and had already started to pack. I get a wonderful glorious email AGAIN! But this time it was just to me. He said he found someone up there who he would be moving in with. He claimed it was his ex girlfriend. It was a very short and cold email. In it it said that once again he was sorry for hurting me. That he will always love me, and that would never stop. But it was better off that we don't talk anymore. I was puzzled and was like what kind of email was this. There was something behind this.

A couple of weeks had went by, and after thought. My thoughts were so right, he screwed around and got the girl pregnant. I sent him an email and I finally got one in return from him. And after figuring out what had happened, he confessed and said that she was pregnant. Mrx then again apologized for his actions once more. We started talking with the sound of his voice he was unhappy and very stressed. He asked me to listen to him while he explained what happened - besides the fact that he cheated. He said he was living with this woman, but only due to her threatening him with not being able to see his child. He had said he didn't want to be a bad father and leave his kid. So he left me and what we had, because the fear of the exgirlfriend not allowing him to see the child if he left. He said he didn't know what to do. Once again I broke down and let him in my heart for the third time. Since I loved him so much, I wanted to get married to him, and try to get custody of that child. At least some what custody so he would see his child.

After a couple of months of him sneaking around to talk to me and to even chat with me; I talked him into meeting with an attorney. He met with one and the attorney took the case and it was settled to where they were going to bring this to court. We had decided that I was going to move up there mid summer and we were going to get married. So the ticket that i had bought wasn't going to be wasted after all. Things were progressing. He was going back to the doctor with normal check-ups again. His health was getting so much better that he was able to go to work soon. He had made plans to get back to work so the custody issue would go through smoother. Things were wonderful never felt better. I knew how much I felt for this man and that he was indeed everything to me. A couple of weeks had gone by and I had been busy. Mrx and I had only talked a couple of times cause of my work. I missed him tremendously. We did email each other, but he was missing me a lot as well. He said he felt alone, and hoped that I had not changed my mind about him. I got a progress report from him on the case with the attorney. As well as a sweet email that I'll never forget. It was the longest and best email I had ever recieved from him. He was my angel and I was his.

A week went by another went by. A month never heard from him, and was scared to try to contact him. So I never did. I finally sent him an email, but didn't get a responce from him. So here it was December 11th... this day hurt me unbelievably bad I dreaded this day. This was the original date of our wedding. I sent him an email with a reminder what this day was. I couldn't believe it I had an email from him. It had said that he never forgot anything he said or did to me. That he was sorry and he never will forget anything. I insisted myself that I had to write back, that I wanted my answers. I asked him what happened to us. He wrote back and said he honestly didn't know, but whatever happened happened and that it was for the best. Well I guess I'll never know what actually happened, but I know that I did spend a lot of time on this man, and it was wasted. I honestly never loved someone as much as he. Since December 11th I have recieved a couple of emails from him. He's no longer living in north eastern Canada to the Toronto Canada area. He's working now and never married the woman and as far as his kid I have not a clue about. I haven't asked..... but here is my experience of a battle of almost two years that I play with my heart still....

Wild's Reply - I'll tell you what happened. But you won't like it. He was a player. Nothing more, nothing less. You got caught up in the thrill of the fantasy. What could have been, eternal happiness, forever. But he was just a man. A married man or a man with a live-in girlfriend. He was never available to you. The big problem here is not his behavior. His behavior was predictable, he did the same stuff over and over. He'd get close, closer, closest then he'd bail. Dear John letters to all, he was off the hook. Maybe his wife/girlfriend found out, maybe he just didn't relish the thought of an actual meeting. Who knows. So, while you hurt deeply, and apparently allowed this torture to continue for two years, I have to ask why you aren't questioning your own conduct. Doesn't it seem bizarre to you, in retrospect, that you intended to marry someone you had never met face-to-face? I don't say it's stupid, wouldn't say it, know better. Because you wouldn't be the first person to do it, and you aren't any different from anybody else. But I ask now because you don't consider yourself lucky. You didn't do it. You didn't make what would have been probably he biggest mistake of your life. Let's see.. Mr. X is a tournament volleyball player with a heart problem. He's hospitalized in Seattle (no hospitals in Canada?) and calls you from the hospital (nice! or was it collect?) and then during his recuperation. He sends letters to you and all the others and the others feel bad for you? What about them? The whole thing stinks, you got snookered. Bigtime. But it's behind you now, and if it isn't, it needs to be. Don't talk to this person again, instead do what you can to warn others about him. He's dangerous. You almost quit your job and gave up everything for this guy. Gad! You're all better now. Learn from this and push forward.


PAGE TWO OF MARCH '00 LETTERS