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FROM READERS - MAY '00

Did I do something Wrong?

Hi I met a guy on the internet about 4 months ago we seemed to hit it off, we where from the same state , about 35 minutes away from each other. I wanted to meet with him about 2 months ago and he said yes, after he said yes he became distant , then the day before we where supposed to meet he said that he couldnt something came up, and then we set up another meeting,and he canceled he said he didnt want to meet with me yet. he stop emailing me, we began to chat less and less.then one day he said that he was sorry, and that he really cared about me, and I was his soul mate, he didnt want me dating anyone.He said he was confused. He was really playing with my mind. eventually we had cyber sex, what a mistake, then last week he asked me to meet him at his work at nite, at a construction site, So I did we met he didnt give me his phone number , it was weird he said he would talk to me on the computer the next day, and gave me a kiss, well I emailed him the next day , and he never emailed me back , 2 days later, he changed his screen name I dont know what happened I am deeply depressed over this, I will never meet with another man again on the internet. He really had me brainwashed. He told me that he met a girl at a bar, but didnt sleep with her , because he was falling in love with me. Please give me some advise , I keep thinking I did something wrong.

Wild's Reply - Other than going to a construction site at night, to meet a stranger, after having virtual sex with him, what did you do wrong? Did you have sex with him that night as well? Read the story about Kerry Kujawa and then look at yourself and say to yourself "I was soooo lucky!" and never do that again. You only have one life, you can't get it back once it's gone. He met you at a remote and somewhat isolated place. That screams doesn't want to be seen by anybody to me. He's probably married. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'd never meet anyone again, but I'd damn sure push for a meeting sooner than four months and I'd be a lot more cautious and use more common sense than you did this one time. Get over the depression, he's just a skanky con. They're a dime a dozen. Now go and find a true gem.


Love of my Life?

I met a man online 9 months ago both of us were married but we had this connection and bond that neither of us could explain..we met through a pen pal site..he wrote and we spent every night together writing or on the instant messenger...we fell in love fast..we were so close..talked every single Friday on the phone..laughed and cried together for hours...I should have noticed little things...he would get mad and jealous at anything and we had some major arguements...were he would lash out and call names...but always begged me to come back...and I would because I loved this man with all my heart and still do...In September my Husband of 13 years left..not really because of this..we just didn't love each other anymore.... Right now I am in such pain...I don't know how to let go of this man...I really love him and just don't know where to turn...I trusted him and really wanted to spend my life with him.. we spent the last 9 months with each other every night online..I love him so much and this is killing me..I do know he loved me..I just don't know what went wrong...I don't know what to do...I know that he will write again and probably tell me he is dying without me...but i need to let this go...I just don't know how...he has me on such a rollercoaster of emotions...and I know this is not healthy..I am only 34 and here I am in front of a computer waiting and wanting..what makes someone fall so in love with a person over the internet??..I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to let go..and how do I stop myself from writing him??

Wild's Reply - Didn't you say he was married? Why would you do that? I understand that your marriage wasn't happy and ultimately your husband left, but why would you have so little regard for the wife of this other man? How can you love someone who would hurt someone he loved so deeply? Yeah, I'm familiar with all the feelings that new relationships bring. Joy, elation, lust, excitement, mystery, fantasy, Disney and all that. Then time passes, and familiarity sets in. Familiarity breeds contempt. So it's easier to appreciate the fun parts of someone new rather than appreciate the things you already know about someone old. This man was never available to you. And I'll be he backed off and disappeared about the same time your husband left and you were free. This was just net play to him, your husband's leaving made it suddenly real. My advice would be stay away from other women's husbands. The best way to take care of yourself is to keep your own best interests in mind. Married people are not available, and all the fantasy in the world can't change that. Then think about the kind of person you have become who would do something like that. If you don't like that person, make it a point to do background checks and find people who aren't married.


Another victim who was duped!

I hope you put my story in April's posting to that other unsuspecting females hopefully will learn from this. I don't want to see another female go through and have their heart riped apart like mine. Well, I had been just messing around the net for something to do. I had posted a message mainly for someone wanted a friend to email or chat back and forth. I would have posted a message for females, but all I ever encountered were lesbians trying to pick me up. I had one male friend from the net for years and was a decent guy. Well, I had alot of jerks email me and I instinctively knew something was not right. Guys or perhaps kids insisting on me calling them and giving out their phone number right away. When I would refuse to call, I had gotten harrassing emails. Anyway, I gotten a nice reply from a guy who seemed "normal." He like the same things that I liked esp. working out and wrote beautiful letters. I waited a month before actually seeing him. I was in the midst of separating with my husband and was very confused. We were fighting all the time and I just didn't care what happened. Looking back, I should have waited until my head was cleared. Anyway, we met at an agreed upon location. I was taken by his looks. He told me how great I looked and I thought he was so cute. Well, it was whirlwind romance At that time, I thought it was a bit fast--- a red flag, but my emotions wouldn't listen. Well, we spent some great times together. Anyway, funny with the hours of time we spent together, he would not call me at work or after I had the house to myself ( RED FLAG!) I was the one who was to call or email him and let him know when I was free. I started getting feeling like the pursurer and didn't like it. I questioned him on this and it was "I don't know what you will be doing." More weird things were happening. He only could be with his kid during visitation by himself and I never met his family. Then, I would never get the same story twice about certain things---RED FLAG! I am on to this jerk and rid of him. It took alot of tears and denial and blaming myself.--but I am surviving. I am sure he has other victims on the net and would hope they have enough sense to follow their sixth sense. Now, I am sure this guys is nuts with some sort of personality disorder, but I cringe at the thought of some other gal being duped. Please follow this site's and my advice: If it happens too fast or seams surreal, it is not reality. If he is too complimentary and lovey-dovey, slow things down---his true personality will reveal itself after awhile. If he does not want to call you at home because he doesn't want your kids tol answer, tough. If you spend many hours together and you don't get a phone call back, he is a player. If he doesn't buy you flowers, cards or any small gift, it shows he doesn't care. If he insists on just emailing, the guy is in a fantasy world. If any of this sounds familiar---get out as soon as possible and don't accept any excuses---these are all lies or figments of his crazy imagination. TELL HIM GOODBYE

 


Two bad net experiences

I've had two bad internet experiences that I'd like to share with everyone. Admittedly, they're not as bad as some of the ones I've read here, but they were pretty bad for me.

The first one began in April '97. I was 17 years old, and a junior in high school. I was chatting in a sports chat room (because of my love for baseball). I'm a big Braves fan, and the guy I had the first bad experience with told me about a big trade they had with the Indians. (He's an Indians fan). From there, we started chatting in the same chatroom every day. He told me he was 25 (I know, much too old for a 17 year old anyway), single, and that he had no kids. I geniunely liked this guy, and although I won't say I loved him, because I didn't, it still hurt when I found out that he had been lying to me.

One day, he told me that he needed to tell me something. He then proceeded to tell me that he was not 25, but over 30. He was MARRIED, with two kids. He said that they were getting a divorce, and that he liked me and wanted more with me than just a friendship. I was very naive, and believed him. He led me to believe MANY things that were not true. And even after I KNEW he lied, I still chose to talk to him. He even went on to threaten me and my friends, saying that he was "in a position" to hurt people. I knew he was lying to me about that too, so I didn't go to police with it. That was the first stupid "relationship" I got into on the net.

I met the second disastrous guy in November '97. I was in THE SAME chatroom (glutton for punishment I guess?) and I met this guy. AGAIN, talking about baseball. At first, we were just friends. He was involved in another online relationship at the time. We sent more than one e-mail daily, and we started getting closer. Then, in January '98, he flew to meet his online love. He had a really bad experience, and when he came back, he said that he had no intention of ever talking to her again. So we got even closer than we had been before. He sent me a teddy bear, a card, and chocolates for Valentine's Day. Seemed to be such a sweetheart. Then 3 days after my 18th birthday (in March) he told me that he loved me for the first time. I was thrilled. I'd been having those sorts of feelings for him for a while, and to have him returning them finally was great. We had planned on meeting in November '98 (yeah, a long time, huh?).

That never happened. He told me when it got close to time for the meeting that he just couldn't afford to come. By this time, I was in college and I couldn't afford it either. So we waited...and waited...and waited. To make a long story short, this went on until November '99 with no meeting. I did love him in a way, and he broke my heart so badly. He said he loved me and needed to be with me, but when it got time for me to come there and be with him, he backed off. He was never online (his computer broke down a lot...convenient, huh?). He never answered my phone messages...never called. Then in November '99, he wrote me an e-mail. Gave some excuse about losing his business..."you deserve better than me." When the truth is that he just liked the comfort of having an online relationship, but he wasn't ready to commit to me in person. I don't know. Maybe he did lose his business. But that didn't have anything to do with me or loving me. I guess I could find out if I really wanted to know badly enough. But I don't. He's the past, and I've moved on.

I admit that I was naive twice. I know how incredibly stupid I was. Everybody messes up, and that is my excuse for the first time. But the second time, I have no excuse. I was just stupid. I should have known that nothing would come of it because of the amount of time it was taking for him to come see me. A year and a half is a long time for an online relationship with no meeting. I see that now. And that will never happen again. Even though I got burned twice, I am involved in an online relationship again. But trust me, I'm going into this one with my eyes wide open. I've known him online for two years, and he's never been inconsistent in anything he's ever told me(even before we got romantically involved). For a few months now (4 today to be exact) we've been "together." A ticket has been bought for us to meet in May. I told him up front that I would not wait long this time before meeting. If it's not gonna work, then I want to know sooner rather than later. He's the best. He's been there for me through some rotten stuff that I've dealt with recently. I do love him. And he loves me. I've been told several times that I can't love someone I've never met. And if it's not love, I'd sure like to know what it is. I feel things for him now that scare me with because of their intensity. People can tell me I don't love him all they want. But I know I do. I wish everybody involved in an online relationship the best of luck!! I hope things work out for you. I'll keep you posted on what my experience is like.

Wild's Reply - Well, I gotta agree, that's too long to go without meeting. Nothing sounds like a lame excuse more than a lame excuse, and I've heard em all. Everything from car/truck/van/elephant/camel broke down (when it never had problems before the upcoming meeting date) to car accidents, plane accidents (involving horrible, disfiguring accidents or even resulting in death which we wouldn't know about were it not for the concerned friend/family member who accessed the victim's email and sent the surviving online lover a note) to my old girlfriend is back, etc. If you want to join in on "Famous Lies Net Scum Tell", go to the Cyber Relations Discussion Forum and join in!


Emotional Seduction

More power to you Wild! Your site too sadly reflects the urgent need to shine some light on the fragile state of human psychology in a technological age.

First let me say that although I should probably feel guilt about the delight that I experience while reading many of the letters posted here, the truth is, my level of compassion has been tainted some by personal events that have left me feeling only miffed and concerned about the emotional stability, of too large a segment of the current, adult population who’ve recklessly been permitted internet access. Law should require full psychological testing before ISPs can grant internet access to the fickle and foolhardy.

I’m being a tad extreme, I know, but heck, overwhelming evidence suggests that we’ve got a real problem here! If you’re asking yourself what’s got my hair all in knots, read on and I’ll take you for a spin on my personal roller-coaster ride in the virtual world of cyber romance, chatroom sex, telephone love and the ever-popular, fruitless search for the one-and-only, truly-meant-to-be soulmate. Balderdash! I’m talking about unconscionable behavior and gibberish that spews from the mouths of grown men and women in this cyber playground - women left to care for and raise our young - heaven help the innocent!

Hundreds of brilliant, worthy and attractive women reduced to emotional rubble by the frailty of their own illusions. It truly boggles the mind. Your partner? Your lover? Your fiance? Your soulmate? GAG! A knight in shinning armor, you say? More likely a pitifully insecure social misfit, needy and perhaps dangerously unstable. Then again, it could be a cunning sexual predator, who without restraint feeds his sex addiction behind the anonymity of binary digits, or, as in my case, an emotionally vacant, pathetic excuse of a husband feeding his ego and getting his kicks at the expense of those dumb enough to swallow the rubbish that he’s fabricated in his mind. Am I being harsh? I think not! To say that I’m disturbed and insulted by the reality that my husband turned my home into a street corner, the likes of which you’d find on the seedier side of town, and made a mockery of all that I hold dear, is probably the understatement of this 21st century. He’s a man, though, and I don’t place a great deal of confidence in either the integrity or mental capacity of most men.

My lack of confidence in the male intellect wasn’t formed in a vacuum, either. It finds a solid foundation, based on mountains of evidence that supports my theory that testosterone appears to erode brain matter. However biased, I honestly thought, though, that women had more sense, but my husband’s ICQ history files and the bulk of letters to Wild, prove me wrong. As a woman, wife, and the mother of an adult female, I’m almost ashamed to acknowledge my role in the creation of another slimy cyber predator. Like there isn’t enough of them out there already polluting this environment, I foolishly, loaded ICQ on my husband’s computer, configured it, set him up with an account, name, and profile, then taught him how to use it (he wasn’t computer literate). Within a month of his introduction to the internet and ICQ he was entraining this fantasy that he was a virile, stud-muffin, restrained only by the chains of matrimony.

He’d discovered the mother-load unhappy women longing for the attention of just about any man who’d give them the time of day. And so he proceeded, unabashed, to demean all that I regard sacred about women and the institution of marriage. I’ve had better than two years to analyze the events that lead up to the onslaught of insanity that invaded my life during my husband’s slip into the nether world, and there’s no reasonable explanation for his total lack of respect, both for myself, and those women he used to feed his ego in cyberspace and real life. I do know, however, that he left a wake of destruction in his path.

We separated, but not before I’d had the opportunity to read a large portion of his chat histories, and had the good fortune of nursing back to some semblance of sanity two of his conquests - one who actually ended a 23 year marriage under the illusion that she’d found her soulmate (it took him less than a month to bed her). She’d no idea that she was just the first of many. It required every ounce of integrity that I had to refrain from sharing with her the lascivious juvenile slop that was splattered throughout her “soulmate’s” exchanges with other women. As angry and hurt as I was, revenge is cruel and this wasn’t her fault, so why add insult to injury.

In conclusion, for those women out there languishing over love lost somewhere in this cyber abyss, I’d recommend that you cut your losses and consider yourselves fortunate. I wouldn’t wish my ex on my worst enemy. And know that he’s still out there somewhere, twisted by the thrill of the hunt and sedated only in conquest. This is sport for him. Some have suggested a mid-life crisis, but I can’t be certain of that. Me, I simply shake my head and wonder how this technology, with its potential to access the world and all its knowledge has been perverted almost beyond belief. We’re such emotionally feeble and gullible creatures and this medium makes that reality hard to deny.

Wild's Reply - I was so impressed with the calibre of writing style that the author of this post demonstrated, I have invited her to submit a monthly column. Because of the now well-established threat to marriages posed by some internet users, it's high time that a good portion of this site was devoted to this marriage busting box. I look forward to receiving her articles, and will post her column as soon as she sends it.

 


PAGE TWO OF MAY '00 LETTERS