Updated April 02, 1999

For every happily married person who thinks that the internet just isn't a threat - you should really think again. It's just a box right? That computer over there.. the one your spouse isn't even sure how to work..? Wrong!

What follows are the letters I've received from husbands and wives who've lost their spouses to the internet.

April 02, 1999 - Hi, I am very upset right now. I found out my husband has an online girlfriend. I suspected it because it's top secret when he's online and he stays up very late at night on the computer even though he was always in bed around 9pm before we got the computer. What does this mean? Is this common? He says they are just friends but I saw a note that she sent to him and it said "Hi Hon, where have you been? I miss you a lot! Love ya."

Do friends use those types of endearments? Please give me some advice! I am so upset I don't know what to do.

Wild's Reply - In this case, it sounds like the "relationship" means more to her than to him. I would take from her note that he's made hisself scarce to where she hangs out, and the "love ya" thing means she isn't comfortable enough yet to say "I love you". She seems to feel more than he does.

If you're up to hearing the truth, confront him. If he maintains they're just friends, then tell him about the note you saw. If he still maintains it's harmless, let him know that you are becoming resentful of the time he's spending online, and it's time to wean himself from the puter. If he won't do it then you pretty much know where he's at with this. Find someone that you can talk to so that whatever happens, you can deal with it. Take care

March 02, 1999 - great site...thanks.....i got this computer about 18 months real problem except my 28 year old wife started staying up later and 1am or so she would crawl into bed and i would be awakened with lets have sex.. now....i ejoyed that and assumed she was just looking around at adult sites...well ...i found a sexually explicit email in my cache and that answered that....she was having a little fling with a married man on the net for about eight months before i became aware of it,,,,,,true,,,,i just thought she actually wanted me!..well she promised to break it off as i wasnt pleased that this was happening for 8 months behind my day she said it was over..well i found another email saying she enjoyed it and didnt want it to end.....i jumped in and told the net boyfriend i was gonna tell his wife.....that ended that....she chatted 5 or 6 days a week up late every nite and asked 4 somthing in bed that shocked me...exicited yes but very unlike she told me "chuck" was always talking about it and she was gonna try it...although i enjoy the sex i wish she was as open to me....she kept up this relationship untill i found an email that could xxx this page and i contacted him and scared him off with his home address and phone number....never heard from him again...we got on with our lives ...she still had her circle of chat friends and i reluctantly accepted her wanting to spend time chatting........well problem...she came to me one day saying she met someone in our city and actually me him at the local coffee shop a few times....well i was not really pleased but went by his work to meet him and said we could all be friends and invited him and his wife go....he didnt want his wife to know...she tells me she wanted nothing so thats why she told me....i think he was expecting more if he didnt want all of us to be wife got real mad at me for meeting him....i still dont know why....any way one night his wife shows up at my house and tells my wife she knows about them....and puts a stop to far i feel thats 3 attemps at a relationship that didnt work.....i wanted to see a marrige counsellor cause she always tells me the net is not our is to me!.......well she has several secret email acounts that i have only recently stubled upon and she seems so happy while shes having these ..what i call affairs........well did i make a mistake....i bought a webcam live vidio for christmas for the puter.....alittle fun at first and we even went on together to see who we were talking with and yes there was some live online shows that we did for the fun of it ...but she slowly didnt want me there any longer and kept calling one paticular guy that she finds real hot and getts pissed off if im in the same room while they are chating....she would dress real sexy and wait for his call and i would go to bed to avoid another argument...well i caught her showing herself and blowing him kisses and she just tells me it was just a little flirting....she said its just innocent chat...not even sex talk....he of course will not let his wife know she is even alive.....i came across a conversation one day that said they were gonna neet for lunch on the video...she seemed pretty exited as did he....well i set up my sony hndicam and taped her having live xxx with this guy....and handed it to her as she lied as to what she did for hurt yes...but think it can be worked through if we she was really upset that she told me she wont see him online again and its over ...well i caught her checking her secret email at a local coffee shop and found out that now they say they will just have to be more carefull cause i am on to them......she sobbs in her emails that she so gald he is still on line and after all that, the very next night she was on looking him up....ya he calls her at work...i dont know if she calls him but its hard to believe that someones need to flirt actually comes between 10 years of marrige and 2 kids.ages 5 and 7......i dont understand this at all but i saw your site and can see im not the only one having trouble with wife is very attractive and likes to be the icing on the cake....but latey she has no interest in me....sleeping on the couch or the kids room or pjs up to her leaving for a month to get a mental break and she told her on line boyfriend yippee.....i printed the emails ...gave her the video tape and expected a little effort in return.....i am seeing a personal counsellor as well as a marrige counsellor for opinions.....but she tells me she loves me ....and i can see why she has no interest in sex with me any longer..she is flooded with it all night long im the only rest from it she gets!.....wadda ya think.....just wanted to share another web horror story that is close to destoying my marriage...beleive me the lies are more than enough.

Wild's Reply - Why are you still there? It's obvious that if she's meeting these men in real life, she's either gonna a) - leave you for one of them, b) - get stalked by one or more of them because she's a real good online tease or c) - become the disease of the month club. Why do you expose your children to this? Give her an ultimatum - the internet goes and so does her need for constant attention and reinforcement, or you and the kids go. Geez!

March 02, 1999 - In November 1999, I noticed a change in my husband, he was been nasty toward me and always started arguments. I knew something wasn't right. I asked him if there was another woman, he said no. I told him something is not right. One day I seen him come out of the postoffice opening mail, our mail is always delivered at our home. I confronted him several days later about him having a post office box. He denyed it several times until I told him I was in my car and seen him coming out of the post office opening mail. He said he wanted his privacy, I told him its a sudden change after 23 yrs. of marriage. Well, he got me fired up. I asked him where the phone bill was for the past two months, he said that I never look at the phone bill why now? Through the phone company I had them to send me copies. He had been making phone calls to New Zealand. The phone bill was outragious. He said he made a bad mistake doing the phone calls and apoligized. He thought that was the end of it. Wrong! that even got me more agitated. He was telling me that he talked to this woman that was married and a school teacher and they were only friends. Friends don't run up phone bills and sneak around and get p.o. boxes. That just made it worst, I knew he was lying. I hurt inside so bad I thought my chest was going to explode. I begged him to tell me what was going on and he would say nothing. I did something right or wrong I had to know, I wasn't about to let almost 24 yrs of marriage go down the tube. I took his hard drive out of his computor and put it in mine. Boy! did I find out. He was telling this woman how much he loved her and she was doing the same. She was sending him sexual fantasys in the email and anyone could tell this was not her imagination she had copied this from some book or got this off the internet, they had been sending each other gifts and I found out that she had called my house and he sent her money for her phone bill. I was a topic of their discussion it goes on and on. I called him at work and told him what I had done and what I found out he came home and told me I had no right taking his hard drive out and I told him he had no right hurting me, and acting like it was nothing. I was so upset and hurt I felt like taking a gun and blowing my brains out, I knew better I just wanted the hurting to stop. He told me that she was the most intelligent woman he's ever talked too. He was adding insult to injury and they were only friends. Lord it just got worse, I told him friends my #@$%. He said he liked talking to her. That he loved me and that he would never leave me. I asked him if he would talk to her in front of me and tell her he didn't love her, he wouldn't do it. He said no one is going to try and make him do anything. I asked him. That even hurt worse. I don't trust him anymore What can I do? I hurt so bad and my life is pure hell at the moment. Why can't he understand what he has done? This isn't over yet I'm not saying anything else to him about it, I'm just letting him think everything is ok.

Wild's Reply - darlin, if you got the savvy to swap out his hard drive, then my hat's off to ya. Very bold. But sadly you're right. It's not over and his refusal to end it in front of you is a slap in your face. What's worse is the cruel way in which he tortures you by denying, denying, denying. Does he think you're stupid? A stupid person would have never thought to swap out the hard drive. I think he's stoopid. So, whaddaya gonna do? He's sending your money to her to pay for her phone bills. Nice guy - to her. Nasty to you. Uh.. can you say "extramarital affair?" I thought that you could. He's spending community money on gifts, phone, etc., no matter how ya slice it, that's adultery. What do you want to do? Sounds like you don't wanna go on like this, so what are your alternatives? Wipe out his system? What good would that do? He obviously likes what he's doing and seems to enjoy rubbing your nose in it even more. If it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum (and those just never work) - it's his net tootsie in NZ or you - and you got what you need to prove net adultery - and there's now a legal precedent in your favor for what he's doing. I'm sorry that this is happening to you, it has to suck.


Copyright 1998 Wildxangel - All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted material copyright The 'Lectric Law Library.