For every happily married person who thinks that the internet just isn't a threat - you should really think again. It's just a box right? That computer over there.. the one your spouse isn't even sure how to work..? Wrong!

What follows are the letters I've received from husbands and wives who've lost their spouses to the internet.

December 15, 1998 - My story concerns my husband's use of the company computer at work, mostly during night shift- his colleagues showed him the chat rooms, and he immediatly joined in, and was a witty, flirtacious man who had a provocative handle which got him noticed. At the time, we did not own a computer at our home, so I knew nothing about the "net".. only after his bringing a transcript home of his conversation with a female chatter, did I find out-and under the most extreme circumstances.. He told me he had chatted with a woman who sounded allot like myself, to whom he asked questions about what to do to "turn me on"... all while making love with me.. I was outraged, and felt so hurt and betrayed. This was my introduction to the computer. He showed me the transcript, and in time, I took it as he told me- only to find out better ways to please me.(which would have been better asked only of myself ) Within a few weeks he convinced me for us to buy a computer and he could show me first hand what the net was all about. We did so, and before he let me get online, he told me there would be rules for it's use. He asked that no e-mail be sent, and that no meeting times be arranged. After a period of time I made a friendship with a nice happily married man online, to which my husband protested loudly. In my ignorance, I thought he was just being over possessive and continued to talk with this person. My husband's protests became louder, and more obtrussive- yet, I felt I was doing nothing wrong. I had told him of the subjects in which we spoke, etc. This created great problems for us maritally because I refused to be what I felt was controlled, and he felt I was choosing this man over himself. In hindsight, I see that through "chatting" with a member of the opposite sex, and your spouse becomes controlling, or over possessive, you find fault with the spouse, and you find things that you like in the cyber friend. After many fights, we got rid of the internet, and went to counceling. During which time we got the internet reconnected feeling that it was such a great source of information. But we still talked with others via internet. Mistake! Because I made such an issue of not being controlled, and wanting him to make some changes in things that he and we did , as a result- he continued 'chatting' online at work. To cut to the chase, he met a couple online, whom he was helping the man get a job where we live. They came to check out the area, and stayed in our home- (red flag- my husband never "Asked" me.) I thought it was all too weird, but he assured me it was nothing other than trying to help this guy get a job. Well, the guy got the job, and before they moved down here, my husband dissappeared saying he "needed some time to get away to himself" after we had had a huge fight while they were still here. Within the next month, he took off for 5 days and told me he was going to be staying at a friends house, and gave me the guys number, etc., but not to call unless an emergency. I found out where this guy lived, and went there to look for my husband- he was not there-the guy said he was in Carolina for a job interest. I was worried because he had told me that my husband sounded drunk (my husband does not drink) and I worried over him, and phoned his mother and told her as I wished her a happy birthday. He did call his mom for her birthday- but told her he was sleeping in a airport and the car while he was searching for a job change. She called me and told me he was ok. When he came home, he was kind, and seemed to have gotten himself together- and I explained how worried I was, and how me and our two boys missed him terribly. Little did I know, it was too late. The next month that couple moved down here, and after 8 months of extreme distance and him pushing me away emotionally and physically, I found out the truth. He had gone with this woman to another state to be with. They tried having sex, and I guess his guilt made it where he could not... so, upon their arrival, he proceeded to try again while her husband was at work, and he was off work- (they worked rotating shifts, and some nights he got off at 2am, so he could go to their home, and be with her, without my or her husband knowing about it because I never was aware which nights he got off early) All of this distance started after our huge fight we had the night they were here. (which, incidentally, was over him interferring with one of my computer friends whom I spoke with, and he was trying to get rid of- which to me, I found to be controlling) There were so many factors involved though- he had just had a vasectomy, his job situation was rocky, we were having trouble with the trust, and control issue in our marriage, and, he found out he was low testosterone after he had problems being with her when he had left me and the boys. So, whenever I felt he was pushing me away, or not wanting to be with me, he would just say he didn't want me, or any woman... It was true that he did have low testosterone, so I thought it was all medical in the way he was being unkind, and distant.. I really tried making up for being upset in what I felt was him being controlling to me, but it did not matter at that point. This woman would come over, and pretend to be my friend, and she and my husband had very like personalities, and I liked her well- but she had 5 children, and her marriage was rocky, and I just felt like they were a negative influence to associate with, since we were having enough troubles of our own- so I did not try to get too close with her. She would come over and stay till 2 am whining about her marriage, and once, even slept on my couch- I felt sorry for her, because she had found out that a few months earlier her husband had cheated on her with an internet buddy- for a weekend fling. I thought her husband was a jerk for doing this, and did not talk with him.. which now, I see that if I would have, I would have pieced this entire infidelity thing together earlier. He phoned over one night, and asked if his wife was here, and awoke me from sleep- I said no, but noticed that my husband was not here either... That was when her husband and I started doing some investigative work. I am a good detective, I found out- My husband lied, and lied, and lied... so many times to my face- I would approach him about something I had found out, and he would always deny, or lie, or make up some explanation... After finding out about the affair, this woman's husband left in the middle of the night with the children and all her stuff when she was at work- this sure gave her a wake up call.. she cried to my husband via the phone, etc.. and I know he was mad with her husband for doing what he did. I was strong- I prayed with him, I asked him to go to counceling with me- I endured her phone calls over the next few days, and even spoke with her myself.. I listened as he explained how good things were with her- sex, etc. which ripped me in two. He did go with me to the councelor, who told him that he had to choose who he wanted to be with. He never did- his girlfriend finally, after much talk from her husband, chose for him because she said she did not want him to endure the pain of being without his children like she had the scare of. (Her husband did come back with the kids, and they met in a hotel room to try and work things out) So, I felt like I won by default- but yet I did still win... I wanted my marriage back. I love my husband, I love my family- and yet I felt so trampled on.. so betrayed and deceived... I understand now, why he never wanted me on the computer... it was okay for him, but not for me- because he had been chatting with an internet woman for several months, and enjoying sexual stories, and had her send photos to a post office box, and she wanted to come to see him, at which point he cut it off. (Which I sometimes wonder if would have not happened had she been beautiful) I realize I was wrong in many ways by viewing my husband as controlling rather than protective... I realize I should not have gotten SO angry with him, and bucked his control so hard- it was not worth it to keep an internet friend- and damage my marriage so. In some ways, I feel like I drove him away to do what he did- then I tell myself, that no!, no matter what- it is not okay for some one to cheat on their spouse. He had been chatting with this woman that he went out of state with, for about 2 months, along with many phone calls that he made from work, before her and her husband came down to look for the job, and decided to carry on an affair with her - he knew she would be moving here. . He says now that she stroked his ego- made him feel good about himself, and feel wanted. He had to get a prescription for viagra to have really good sex with her which she did not know he was using- I knew he had tried it once with me, but did not know he was using it with someone else. Now this couple have moved away from here to another state. THANK GOD! yet her husband continues to call and it upsets me so, even though, I know he is just trying to work through things just as I am. It has been 3 months since this was all discovered- and it has been a long, hard road for us both. My husband just now is coming out of the "fog" that was so mean, and cruel. I do believe he learned to live his lies as truths to himself, in order to live with himself. Never underestimate the power of Respect and Trust! It is by the grace of God that I am still here, because I NEVER thought I would stand by someone who cheated on their spouse. I have battled my heart and my head for two months before I came to the final conclusion that yes, I do still love him. Now for the repairwork to begin. We have had a wonderful marriage for 10 years before the computer came into our lives- we now have been married for 12 years- the last 2 which have been a nightmare. My husband is an incredibly beautiful person whom I know is not proud of what he did, and who I know would have never thought himself to have been in that type of situation... never say never- it can happen to anyone. Even who you would never think it would be possible because you know them as such wonderful people. Throughout it all, I never suspected him of this until the very end. God be with us as we try to reconstruct what was torn apart by the internet! Thank you for warning others-

Wild's Reply - I had to read your letter several times. I came to the conclusion that either (a) It was a work of fiction or (b) You are so blind you would actually let someone torture you the way your husand did. Even your opening, oozes admiration for the very handle your husband picked! What kind of man who loves his wife would detail the difficulties and successes of having sex with another woman to his wife?! He brought home a transcript of a sexually explicit conversation he had with another woman?? He tells you the "rules" of YOUR computer? Didn't you ever wonder about the No E-mail Rule? He cared so little for you he invited total strangers to stay in your house? With your children??? When the councellor demands your husband make a choice - he refused. You still accepted him. You mean so little to yourself that your husband's utter disdain and disrespect for you is a behavior you mistake for just the way he is, and perhaps you even perceive it as love. Why do you still love him? Are you sure it's love or just the terror of the unknown and fear of aloneness that kept you there still? You endured hell for two years and consider the man who caused that hell to be "an incredibly beautiful person". I hope at some point in your future, you can find a way to love yourself a bit more than you do now - and when that time comes, you'll realize what has happened to you, and you'll question how you could have ever let anyone treat you that way - and you will never accept such shabby treatment from anyone ever again!

November 29, 1998 - For months my husband had been keeping himself locked in the extra bedroom...on the computer...supposedly doing financial stuff!!! I am a computer programmer and know that AOL is not very secure. I was able to change his password and access his account. I found dozens of long, very emotionally explicit and very sexually explicit emails to and from another woman. They had been spending many hours during the day on the phone and many hours at night online. Me and our 2 kids never spent any time with him any longer. A woman who he had never met but felt was his SOUL mate...the love of his life. We had been married 16 years at this point and I was more than a little shocked! He and his new friend even had a very involved and detailed plan on meeting only weeks from the day that I found all of this stuff. When I questioned him about his computer use and a number of hang up calls that we had begun getting, he said that I was crazy...just imagining things. When I layed the printed emails in his lap, he turned white as a ghost. He was actually surprised that I wanted him to move out of the house. After many months of separation and counseling I would like to give our marriage another try but I will always be suspicious of his computer use as well as anytime his line at work is busy. Do you think there is a chance that he will NOT do this again...or is the pattern more likely to repeat itself?

Wild's Reply - What bothers me about this is the fact that he denied everything and tried to make you look ridiculous, until you showed him the proof. He didn't come clean and admit to what he had been doing - that just smacks of someone who intended to keep going, secure in the knowledge that you had nothing. Until you did. It's not likely he's just going to stop, I know that sounds disheartening, but what are your options? Put the computer in your bedroom and monitor his every moment on it? Even if you did that, how do you monitor things at work and why should you have to monitor him at all and wouldn't he resent it? Hang ups? Why not call the phone company and get anonymous call blocking and caller ID. If they have a phone number, it'll show on the ID box, if they have it blocked, it won't get through to you unless they unblock it. She may just stop calling at home. I don't have all the answers, if you trusted him to be honest, I think you were disappointed here, even when you expected him to come clean. The computer always seemed like a great idea huh? Something for the kids to learn on, do some banking, manage your finances, get recipes... Nobody ever realizes until it's too late that you can do all that and oh so much more on this box. Good luck.

November 24, 1998 - Hi there. Would like to tell you my story of horrors of online affairs. My wife and I had been married for 24 years and last xmas we purchsed a computer for home. In May we got hooked to the internet and we took turns playing crib on it and going to chat rooms. Well, soon my wife was spending more and nore time on it and our personal life was going down hill. She eventually began to pick on me over minor things and then 1 day in October she says to me that she needs to get away for awhile as she was confused and didn't know if she loved me any more . That she has been out of love with me for awhile. Said she was going to stay at her sisters place for a bit to think things out. As much as I didn't want to Ilet her go. Next morning her brother and brother in law show up with a truck and say that they are there to pick up furniture. She had given them a list as to what to take and hoped that I would not give them any problems. I was in total shock as I didn't things were that bad between us. So I asked them if there was another guy in her life or something and they looked at each other and said yes but if it makes you feel any better it is nobody in town. Is a guy she has met on internet. I was in shock and when they left I checked her ICQ messages and found who it was. I emailed him and asked him what the heck was going on and why was he trying to break up my marriage. He emails me back and ttells me that he loves my wife very much and that he is moving to Canada to be with her and will take good care of her. Two weeks after she moved out I heard he was coming to Canada so that they could meet and then she would decide what she wanted. Well as it turned out she picked him and took the guy back to her sisters place where she is living at and that is where they are living with each other. Now I still love my wife very much and I just about cry every night as I miss her so bad and just want my wife back and kids want thier mom back as she is shunning them too for this guy. Last I have heard is that next week he is paying for her to file divorce papers against me. I have been wtiting love notes to wife and trying to talk tom her when I see her on her courier runs but people have been telling me that if I want to have a good friendly at least relationship with her that I got to leave her alone. No calls, no notes, no contacting asshe is just being driven furthur into this guys arms. Have been told that newness and novelty of this fantasy will soon wear off and when realization of a long term relationship hits her that it may be over. It may go the other way to but it is something I need to prepare myself for. So I have ben doing my best not to conatct her, no love notes on her car or even attempting to see her as I need to see how this relationship will go. But meanwhlie still love her very much and would take her back tommorow as I know I was not exactly doing my 50% to make my marriage work. Took her for granted I guess that she would be with me forever so I did not share household duties and would not do things she liked to do-swim, skate, go dancing . So i f I was ever to get a second chance which is unlikely I know I could really change my ways and stick to it as I love her so much and would do anything not to ever lose her again if given the chance. Thank you for listening to my internet romance horror story

November 24, 1998 - I have heard all those crazy stories about marriages breaking up due to meeting people online. i never thought it would happen to me ,but it did.I didnt want this pc because i knew the trouble it would cause and boy was i ever right. my husband started out using chat rooms excessively, hours on end, ignoring me and our daughter.I mean he was on 24/7.When i started to get angry over it,he said that it was innocent and at least he wasnt out at the bars,he gave me the old dont u trust me syndrome. well without going into the horrible detalis, it turns out that i was right. he met someone, and cheated on me.it was very disceptiveand it was purely planned out and he calculated.he had a threesome with another couple. we have only been married for 6 months!!!!!! he commited adultery and left me devestated. i cant tell you how much pain i am in. i actually thought that he was just chatting innocently but itt wasnt that way so now here i am in a very dameged marriage with a child and one on the way.the details of this are horrific!!! it truly is an evil thing isnt it?

Wild's Reply - Yes.. It can be. I'm so sorry for your pain.

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