SOCIAL NETWORKING OR OH GOD, HOW'D HE FIND ME??         
Updated December 28, 2009
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It's been awhile since I updated this site. But recent experiences have demonstrated to me that there's still stuff online that I really need to address. Especially "Social Networking". I don't even know why it's called "Social Networking", it should be called "Remember That Guy?" or "Holy Shit!" But they're called Social Networking. At least on MySpace, you have some hope of anonymity because you can make up a name and use a generic email address and hopefully nobody that you don't want to hear from will ever contact you. Not so with Facebook.

I give you

EXPERIENCE NUMERO UNO:
I posted an image of myself when I was about 14 online with my maiden name. Almost nobody (almost dammit) knows me by that name. I only wanted to hook up with old friends from a private school I attended in 1973/1974 and that's all I said.

Things were pretty quiet for awhile, I got the occasional so and so sent you a message on Facebook and I deleted them. Then out of the blue I get one from a familiar name. Hmmm.. really? Now, guys, this is important. I know some of you are sensitive, considerate, empathetic and you don't do stupid shit like break up with someone who might be getting too close by just totally disconnecting with them. You know, never answering the phone, never calling back, just cold turkey break up shit. Because - guys - we never forget how a guy broke up with us.

Imagine my surprise when a blast from 30 years ago in my past sends me a heads-up from Facebook. Oh yeah, I remember you. How could I forget. We were getting along great, we had a lot in common, we were having fun and then you disappeared. Just poof! Gone. Like you dropped off the face of the earth. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for keeping my feelings in mind instead of the unpleasantness you might have to experience by saying "Hey, this is getting a little too intense for me, I'm not ready for this intensity, let's take some time off".

But here you are, 30 years later. All your Facebook friends are women, you're single (and you tell me you have been for 12 years, no kids) and how the heck am I? And where am I? Well, you're nothing if not consistent because once you found out where I was, you told me it was too bad because we could have gotten together for coffee. And then, of course, you disappeared. Here's a news flash egocentric, conceited, apathetic dude from 30 years ago, it's too bad for who? Me? No way. I'm happily married with two kids and a great husband and will have been that way for 12 years next July. Good luck finding someone who can stroke your huge ego and put up with everything being all about you for however long they can stand it.

EXPERIENCE NUMERO DOS:
Okay, this is just plain icky. Yesterday I get another heads-up from Facebook. Another blast from 30 or so years ago into my past. Hard to believe there are people worse than Experience No. 1 huh? Well, there are. Experience No. 2 was a real winner. Can I pick em or what? Experience No. 2 wants me to know that he's sorry for the shit he put me through (as if he has a fucking clue what that might even have been), and I knew well before he did that he had a drinking problem. Really? I just thought you were an insane asshole. I don't remember ever watching you drink before you went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. Oh the things you did to me, the brutality, the abuse, flaunting the neighbor's daughter in my face, the money, you name it, you did it. Now you want forgiveness and reconnection? Note to guys and maybe girls too, who knows, I'm sure they're capable of being cold-blooded low lifes when it comes to breaking up if they want to. We don't forget. Robin Trower sang it out when he said "Takers get the honey, givers sing the blues." Glad you're sober 14 years now. That's less than half of how long it's been so I guess you were a major jerk asshole for some time after I finally got rid of you huh? Forgiveness? I hear it's a virtue, divine even. I can even forgive Experience No. 1 because he's too self-centered to realize people have feelings or to give much of a shit about other peoples' feelings, but you? Oh no. Forgiveness won't come from me. I hope you burn in hell for what you did to me. Do you even remember? I'll never forget. Or at least, not now. I had buried those memories so deeply that I hadn't thought about you in like at least 20 years. Thanks for the note. Seriously. That was the twitch that made me pull the trigger on the whole Facebook thing. Interestingly, when you "deactivate" your Facebook account, Facebook wants to know why you're de-activating. And then there are a bunch of little bullets. I picked the one that said "I don't feel safe on Facebook". Because I don't. After getting that heads-up from Experience No. 2 yesterday, I realized there are any number of bad, lousy, to really fucked up experiences out there that I'd prefer to never, ever hear from ever again in my life. Never, ever, ever. And I also realized that all they have to do to find me, is type my name into a search engine and viola! Contact!

So before you go posting yourself to a Social Networking site, ask yourself, is there any creepy, lunatic, loser, asswipe, freak you'd be mortified to terrified to ever hear from again in your whole life? Then think again.

Not me!

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