FROM READERS - UP TO NOVEMBER '02

Net Adultery

After 7 yrs of marriage & 3 kids, my husband & I had grown apart. We didn't have much to talk about, had little in common, & rarely engaged in sex. That is, until we got a computer.

Suddenly, "Mike" was on the computer all the time, until the wee hours of the morning. He'd come to bed somewhere around 2 or 3 in the morning (if at all) & wake me for sex. I figured he was having "cyber sex" and it was firing him up, but I foolishly told myself that it was innocent & harmless and so long as our marriage was benefitting, why not?

However, over time things got wierd. Even though Mike was paying me a lot of attention in the bedroom, he was becoming more & more distant emotionally. I was hurt & confused. I loved him and it hurt me when I kept catching him in lies. Mike became more and more critical of me, like he was holding me to some sort of "perfect" standard. He started fights and became increasingly violent at these times. This was extremely unusual because he'd always been non-confrontational before and had NEVER been violent in any way.

Mike handled all the money and wouldn't tell me anything about our finances. However, the calls from creditors saying we weren't paying our bills clued me in to the fact that we were having financial difficulties. I asked repeatedly for Mike to sit down and explain our finances to me, but he flatly refused. When our youngest daughter entered school, I began to look for full-time employment. I thought maybe if I was bringing in a bigger paycheck that we could straighten out the mess he'd created and then be free to work on the happiness issues. On a Wednesday at dinner, I told Mike I'd gotten a great job offer. That Friday evening, he came home from work and told me he was moving out the next morning, that he needed "space." He said he'd been "nice enough" to wait until I could support myself & the kids before leaving me.

Mike moved out of our home and in with a "friend"--who, coincidentally, was a woman. I asked him where he met this "friend" and he was very vaugue. He continued to tell me he just needed a little "space" and wanted to work on the marriage, but rarely spent time with me & the kids. We did go to one marriage counselling session, but at the conclusion the counselor said he wouldn't take us on as clients. He said counselling was all about total honesty, then he looked at Mike and said, "Frankly, I can't counsel you because I feel that you're lying through your teeth!"

Finally, as a last resort, I approached the "roommate" and she admitted they'd met in a chat room and she had moved here from Kentucky to be with him. This had been going on for over 18 months, they were in love and planned to marry. I was devastated, to say the least. I couldn't believe he'd throw away 10 years of marriage and three beautiful kids (ages 3, 4 and 5 at he time), for someone he barely knew. But I did what I had to do, picked myself up, brushed myself off and filed for divorce the next day.

Two months later the "love of his life" called me and said that she was kicking him out. She'd found out he was having a "net affair" with another woman and she was ending the relationship and returning to her home state.

He rented a home in our town and a few weeks later, love of his life #2 moved in. This one was a 40-year-old married woman who'd left her husband of 18 years for him. She was nice to my kids, which is really what matters at this point, but she was also lazy, whiny and pathetic. Their relationship lasted two months. She left in December and went crawling back to her poor husband, begging for forgiveness.

Wouldn't you know, two weeks later he picks up the kids for weekend visitation and tells them, "Daddy has a new girlfriend and she's at the house waiting for us. She's dying to meet you!" Turns out that the day #2 left, he got on the puter and found #3. This one is divorced with a young son, met him online the last week in December and flew down here at her own expense two weeks later to meet him. After spending four days with him, she returned to her home state, settle her affairs, and two weeks later came back and moved right in with him. She left her whole life (including her son) for him. She's been here for about five days now and he's going around, telling everyone that they're "in love" and that he's "not letting this one get away." Whatever. Wait til she finds out what a snake he is.

In the last year-and-a-half, I was lucky enough to get rid of this 200 lbs of dead weight and find a wonderful (real life) man who adores me and my kids. If I sound bitter, it's because of the effect all of this has on my young, impressionable children. Because the women he meets in chat rooms live out-of-state, he doesn't spend any time with them, getting to know them, before he involves my children. Each time a new relationship begins, my kids are sent into a tailspin, regardless of the fact that each of these women has been kind to them. My older son, now seven, immediately starts having trouble with his schoolwork, my middle son, six, withdraws, and my youngest, five, reverts to baby-talk. All three of them are in counseling and have the love and stability provided by me and my fiancee, but I wonder if it's enough. I'm afraid my children are going to grow up thinking that all relationships are disposable, the way their father's are. I only hope my own stable, loving relationship is enough of a positive example.

In closing, if your spouse seems unhappy or depressed and starts spending a lot of time online, BEWARE. Chatting and cybering is NOT an innocent passtime, it's caused the demise of many, many marriages and can be very destructive to the children invovled.

Wild's Reply - What a horrible thing to have to go through. And the callous manner in which he blatantly flaunted these women only added insult to the injury. You did the right thing and hopefully your children will not be affected too badly in the long run. Good advice too. Emotional distancing, turning off the monitor when they hear someone coming into the room, being secretive, all signs of trouble. All a good time to take the computer in for service!

How can this be legal?

I was involved with a man I met online and saw for three years- believed all his lies because they were all verified for me to see.

Want to know how he did it? His wife was in on it too- she benefited from what I bought, the money he "needed desperately but didn't have at the moment", she even purchased me presents to make his game look legit. He told her being with me made him sick, he had to close his eyes during sex because it was so bad- yet he did it for over a year staying over every night just to "keep his hand in the well"

When his wife told me all of this- and he also told the police when after I tried to get the truth out of him he reported me to the police for harassment- I went to the police- they laughed in my face. I want to know how someone can con someone for 3 years and have another person know and help- and she knew EVERYTHING even the positions we had sex in- how can this NOT be illegal? I am out $ 5000 have lost my self=respect and confidence and he is laughing every day. How can this be legal??

Wild's Reply - And for only a fraction of the $5k, you could have run a background check and found he was married :( I'm so sorry. Contact the district attorney's office and report that you were scammed. Ignore the cops who laugh, it's not funny.

Possible Internet Hoax

Have you heard of any internet hoax's involving a soap opera like story line.

I meet a girl on the net and almost immediately things got crazy very crazy. I was in email contact with her friends , parents, brother and things just kept getting more crazy. Honestly i fell in Love with this woman and still am. There was a rape, shooting and even in the end her death.

I was never able to get a phone number or address, there seemed to always be a reason of some sort. I did have one phone call conversation with her and several voice chats. No one ever asked me for money or anything. I have heard that some college faternitys are using these type senerios as entertainment. the entire relationship lasted over several months. Many many hours of chat hundreds actually. My heart says it was real but I just have doubts now. curious if you have ever heard of anything simular.

Wild's Reply - Have I heard of anything like this? Only every day. Haven't heard of the college frat angle but it wouldn't surprise me.

This is textbook net bullshit right down to the death. I suppose it was the online friends and family that told you about it? Was it a plane crash, car crash or sudden-onset terminal cancer? Let it go. You've been had. That doesn't make the hurt or anger go away, but it will make you more wary when the next person comes around. It will also make it a lot harder for the next person too :(

Checking out a Chat Room Romance

I have a friend who has phoned me a number of times asking how to get out of relationships with men that she has met in chat rooms. Initially they seem like wonderful men, but they end up being "jerks." Recently, she has told me about a man she met who lives in Sweden (we live in Nova Scotia, Canada). She has regular contact with him both on the internet and on the phone. She plans to fly to Sweden this summer and stay with this man for 6 weeks.

She has a history of being very vulnerable with men and putting herself in dangerous positions without always realizing it until things get VERY bad.

Is there any way to "police" or to have someone locally check out people in chat rooms?

I have expressed my concerns and suggested that he should come here, but she is determined that this is THE MAN and has even talked about marriage and moving herself and her son, age 7 or 8 to Sweden.

She does have a mental illness (dissociative identity disorder) and often looks for love in all the wrong places, but she is not currently in therapy. I do not believe that she has any close contact with anyone at this point in her life. I think this man has become her whole world.

I recognize that I can do little to stop her from going, but would like to help her any way I can. I told her about a TV show that focused on how people had been "burned" and deceived by people they met in chat rooms, but her answer is "he's not like that." (What a surprise!)

I would appreciate any suggestions you could give me.

Wild's Reply - I would suggest that if you cannot implore her to do it for herself, that you might consider shelling out the money for an international background check. However, it's been my experience that once somebody figures out an online relationship was pretty much only great when it was online, they change their plans and end their trip early. However, if that doesn't work, you can do a search for "International Background Check" and find any number of services who can do this for a fee. Good luck.

I've Been Robbed!

About 9 years ago I was in a long distance relationship with a woman in Ohio that I trust and still love until this day even though we are no longer together . In 1992 , we broke up for about a year because I was not"perfect enough for her " because I have a slight speech impediment and posture problem since I was born with one leg a tad bit shorter than the other , and had some insecurities .

During that time , I was looking for someone to fill the void that was left in my life and give me a reason to be happy after she left , so I resorted to the personals . I tried it through magazines , local newspaper, ( that was trying this as an experiment for the very first time since I live in a small , conservative, rural community of about 35,000 people as of the latest census ) , and through the mail .

So , I got this one brochure through the mail with the names and addresses of female clients that matched what I was looking for out of Colorado . I wrote letters to those women that looked nice , seemed nice , and suited my fancy . But the responses that I got back were from two people that did not exist , one that seemed to have a psychiatric problem , and another from Vermont that took me for a complete and total fool and caused problems , nearly to the point of taking my own life !

This woman told me that she lived in a chateau near the Canadian Border up in the mountains , how she travelled the country and how she would be in my area soon to meet me . This con artist and other derogratory names for perverse women with sexual hangups that I will not mention also told me that she needed $40.00 U.S. Currency from me to rent a car once she got here at the airport . So this sounding to good to be true , I like an idiot fell for the ploy and sent it to her . She told me that she would arrive at a particular day and I also told her where and when to meet me . I waited for almost two hours in the immediate area looking for any hint of a rental car licence plate and woman looking like her , in a public place , and when I decided that maybe she got lost or was not coming . I went home .

About a week later , I wrote her again up in Vermont and she gave me this incerdible excuse that something came up with a member of her "family" and could not amke it , that she will be down again in abouot two weeks and so I sent her another money order for 40 dollars to pay the rental car fee . This person again never showed up and then I wrote and sent her a letter the next day to get an explaination from her and she gave me some wild excuse that I seemed like a nice guy but no longer interested in meeting me , and refered me to some of her so called "friends" instead . These so called" friends" of hers were into the" swinging " lifestyle and I am not ! I do not like that sort of thing and beliveve that if you are dumd enough to have sex with a woman make sure that she is around your age , looks good , and that you know each other very well and you are in love with each other for the long life journey ahead . Also , make sure that both of you are sound in mind and body and dammit use protection !

Whoever this person is has caused me a lot of embarrassment and this is an event in my life that I want to forever forget about !

I also want to find out how I can both civilly and criminally prosecute this person and get the 80 dollars that I spent out of my own pocket , which I can hardly afford these days back !

Can you help me or give me any advise ?

Wild's Reply - So, lemme see if I got this straight. In 1992 you split up with your long distance lover and met somebody through a personal who conned you out of $80 for car rental and that pushed you to the point where you almost killed yourself?

Let me proffer some sensible advice. Car Rental agencies require deposits. No car rental agency would simply ask for $40 and hand someone a car. Now you know. I suspect the statute of limitations on money has already run if this happened in '93. Get over it!