FROM READERS - TO NOVEMBER '02 - Page Two

Newbie Advice

Thanks for your web-page. As I am a newbie to this i would appreciate any additional advice that you could proveide. I recently, about two months ago, met a woman through ICQ chat. It turns out that she is from Buenos Aires. She still lives there and within a day of our first chat we had exchanged telephone numbers. Since then we continue to stay in contact on-line and through telephone conversations.

As I was reading your web page I came across the red-flags you mentioned about honesty. I have tried your advice about sporadic telephone calls. So far two times that I have tried this, my initial feeling was that something was preoccupying the converstion. Although pleasant, I kinda got the feeling that she didnt want to talk. Which is strange because usually or conversations on the phone last for many minutes, easily over a half hour. And yes we have both already violated your cardinal rule: saying that love thing.I do care for this person, but I dont want to get carried away and lose all track of my common sense. There are however things that seem to fit into your red flag catagorie.

Just last Saturday we were online chatting when in the middle of the conversation the chat just went dead. For thirty minutes the chat line was down, when she returned she indicated that that she had been disconnected and had to re-boot her system. No real problem, I just thought it was strange that it would take half an hour. After our online conversation had ended, I tried calling about fifteen minutes later and the phone would just ring and ring. At this point I became worried and tried again, actually several times. Fially the phone was answered, but sounded like it was hung up. I called again and she aswered. I explained that I could not get in touch with her and was told that she had forgotten to plug the phone back in after she was done with the internet. Okay no problem with that, just strange that you have to do that with a modem.(I use DSL) Also should I be concerned that she spends alot of time with programs like MSN mess
enger and Yahoo? We use the later to chat, but she spends alot time on these programs when Im not online. She tells me that she has made alot of friends online, but that they are just friends. Should I be concerned if they are male friends?

I am told that things are so bad in Argentina that being online for her is a type of therapy, to help with all the problems she is having down there. Also about a current picture, I got one that was about three years old, and when I asked for a current picture, I was told that it very expensive to have photos scanned. I mean yeah this is all possible, but since I ran across your web page, Im starting to think. It seems to me that sometimes I feel like I have to pry information out of the conversation. For instance,she recently told me that she chats with a married man inBrazil. My initial reaction was anything but calm. I was then told that he is trying to bring his wife and two daughters to Brazil, because he has a better job there. Ok, so did I overreact? I am dealing with a completly different culture than here in America. It just seems strange to me that a single woman would be chatting with a married man , every Friday if he is on line. Am I overreacting? I dont know. I will continue to monitor your web page now. I submit theses questions because you seem to have alot of experience with this, so I would rather learn from that then the hard way. Hope you can find the time to respond.

Wild's Reply - What's so bad in Buenos Aires? Have you looked up the economy of the area? It sounds to me like she's playing you like a piano. No current picture because it's too expensive to scan a photo? She can buy a scanner for a few bucks on Ebay. Makes no sense. She has the money to be online constantly but can't get a picture scanned? She talks to a married man constantly and disappears from your chats to talk to somebody else? So I have to know, is it always you who initiates the phone calls or does she ever call you? Have you ever tried not writing or not calling to see what she would do? Unfortunately, you're too far away to control whether she uses other messenger programs or not and that's the downside of online relationships. Either you are secure and you trust her, or you don't. It sounds like you don't. Why not do a deep and searching personal inventory and ask yourself realistically what you ultimately hope to get from a relationship, in what measure of time you expect to get it, and honestly, will you get what you want by when you want it from this relationship?

Is it all real?

Hello , I like to tell a little story :I did meet a man in a chatroom we did talk for a few months ,it was real nice talking to him and than we did fall in love .We did talk about meeting each other one day (I live in the netherlands)but that wont be that easy I am married and so is he.We both have the same friends in the chatroom and did talk about it together in a messenger .Than one of the friends told me what do you know about him ,well he is a sweet and nice man and he wants to marrie me when we both are free.Her hubby is a police man and I did give some information about him ,He did a back ground check not it seems he is not married at all.So I did tell him what I did and he did check it him self and keep saying he is married.I don't know what to do anymore it did hurt me because he was talking about getting a divorce already .I don't know if you can tell me what to do because its up to e .I did try to find more about him but its hard to do a backup checking .Maybe you know where to go ore what to do its hard for me to had some bad days now .

Wild's Reply - So of course you've read the site and know how I feel about married people screwing around on the internet right? What do you want from me? Permission to hurt because the guy you were screwing around online with wasn't actually married and there is no spouse to be devastated by the loss of her husband when you leave your husband for this guy? Sorry, can't do it. Don't you find that awfully nervy on your part? You want this guy's wife to hurt as badly as your husband is going to hurt, fair's fair and now you're hurt that he's not really getting a divorce from his non-existant wife? How can you honestly get a divorce from your husband so you can marry some net stranger? I mean seriously - how does that work? Do you just decide that the unknown in all of it's aspects has to be infinitely better than the real life guy you have right there? No, I can't tell you what to do. Try marriage counselling. How's that?

Internet Dating

Thank you for this web site. I hope my experience will prove to be useful to your readers.

Until a year and a half ago I thought of internet relationships were for 'freaks and geeks'; but after losing my girlfriend of three years I thought differently. I joined one of the paid internet sites thinking of all the women who joined there was bound to be just one that would be hopeful. After fifty e-mails and only four dates I thought that it was all but lost. That is when I found M. M was from China, since my last girl freind was from China I thought to e-mail someone from China.

I was careful to filter out the women who wanted green cards. We e-mailed each other and then went to outline chatting with a messenger service. After three months she stopped chatting and e-mailing. Then on Jan. of this year she e-mailed me saying she was at her parents house. That was when things got weird.

The first time when we 'talked' she had two relationships, which became three, and lastest number was four relationships with six one night stands. And then she said she was sick, had heart problems that was why she was at her parents house. Later on I found out that she was chatting with more then ten guys, that they were 'friends'. Needless to say we have broke it off.

I was reading the rules of internet dating and would like to add my own:

1-Most interntet relationships will fail. Mainly because people do not know each other. Most internet meetings are about our ego then real desire to be with someone mainly because you have never met the person, nor do you know who they are.

2-Most people are talking to several people of the oppisite sex. This happened to me; she was talking to about ten different men; sometimes at the same time. Some people are just looking to meet new people, but most know the game. If you understand that, you will not be hurt when that person says they are talking to others of the oppisite sex.

3-If the person shows strange behavior patterns leave. In my case she said stuff like "if my love cheats on me I will cut his p--s off", "If my husband leaves me for another woman I will throw our kids in the river". This shows signs of instablity, and you don't want that.

All I can say is-don't rely on the internet to meet a meaningful person. Not because they are not out there, but because the odds are against you.

Wild's Reply - Excellent.

This site is Bullshit!

I'm sorry to be rude but this site is bullshit...what do you know? nothing its all your opinion! im a highschool cheerleader i've dated many guys before i have a normal social life but i chose to have a wonderful bf i met online yes we've met several times, and to be honest he treats me better than any of the guys i've dated. so how dare you say the only people that come online are lonely its just so stupid of you to say, maybe you're one of the lonely ones or maybe you're married and making this site makes you feel better about yourself or maybe this all just a cover up so your wife or husband can have no idea what a pervert you are. i admit i used to have the same opinion about online dating and i admit you do make some great points. but before you come on here talking such bullshit get your facts straight.

Wild's Reply - Feel better? Get it all out of your system? I'm so glad that you came along to set the facts straight, Mandy. Before you, I only had hundreds and hundreds of letters from folks who had experienced unfortunate online situations. But I can dismiss all of those because I have the word of a high school cheerleader to show me just what a perv I am. My ribs're hurting I'm laughing so hard.

Valentine's Victim

It was somewhere around Valentine's Day, 1997. I was a college freshman, out on my own for the first time in my life and determined to prove that I could make decisions for myself.

The biggest decision I chose to make was to meet "Ken." We had met in a chat room - we wooed, we called, we emailed. He claimed to be a 29-year-old registered nurse from California. He enjoyed all the things I enjoyed. He was in love with me. I was his destiny.

It was an intense online relationship. The idea of meeting in person petrefied me, but I was dying to meet him face-to-face. I drove back from my rural Pennsylvania hometown after a weekend with my parents to find an email saying that "Ken" was flying in to Pittsburgh that night. I was to meet him at 3 a.m.

I called a buddy of mine on campus and asked him to come along. When we got to the airport, there were only two people to be found - both elderly men. One of the men approached me, put his arms around me and told me I was more beautiful than he ever could have imagined. I was mortified, but he seemed harmless enough.

We loaded his luggage into my car and drove back to campus. I figured I could at least be congenial for a week - he had come all the way across the country to meet me. My friend insisted on being dropped off at his dorm before I took "Ken" to his hotel. Neither of us thought anything was going to come of the situation.

After stopping by the dorms, I - alone - drove "Ken" to the hotel. I suppose my big mistake was offering to help carry his bags in. I walked in the room, fully intending to go straight back to my dorm and get some sleep. Instead, I placed his bag on the floor and turned around to find that he had locked the door and pulled a gun.

I spent the next five days a captive in his hotel room, enduring sexual and physical abuse to rival anything presently listed on your site. His WIFE called repeatedly, trying to persuade me to come back to California with "Ken" - they had already purchased a one-way ticket in my name! I was informed repeatedly that I was returning with him and when we got there, I would be killed.

I was terrified. My family and friends had little clue where to find me, let alone how to get me out of the situation I had so stupidly gotten into. It was up to me.

It took five days - our plane was to leave the following morning - when housekeeping finally knocked on the door, wanting to know if we needed anything. "Ken" hid the gun and instructed me to wrap a towel around myself (he had forbidden me to wear clothing) and answer the door. I saw my chance and I took it.

I opened the door and asked the lady to wait just a moment. I walked to the dresser, grabbed my car keys from his jacket pocket and walked out, wearing nothing but a towel. I went to the campus police, the local police and the state police. They all said they could do nothing - just to chalk it up to a bad Internet experience.

I eventually withdrew from the college I was attending - "Ken" stalked me for months - even AFTER I left. He would track me down, find out where I lived and where I worked, he continually pestered me with phone calls, emails and unwanted visits.

What happened to him? I don't know. One day, he just stopped showing up. He completely disappeared. Maybe his age finally caught up with him. Maybe he was suicidal. Maybe he found some other hapless victim to prey on. It's anyone's guess. At least it's not me.

Wild's Reply - You had me right up to the part where the police said they could do nothing. Let me guess, you're a journalism major? English lit? Wow! If you had made a complaint to the police of kidnapping, rape and torture "Ken" would be in jail now. Nobody looked for you for five days? Housekeeping only came once in 5 days? You didn't think about screaming or throwing things against the wall? Sneaking out? Opening the door which is always near the bathroom?

Wonderful wonderful wonderful! Let me know when you get a publisher!